Step 3 still isn’t complete. I still refuse to acknowledge my feelings to myself. Unrequited love is horrible, and I know that you are busy in your own crazy love life. I can’t figure out how to accept these emotions and let them go, so I just bury them under laughs and silliness and alcohol in hopes of them going away.
Why is this such a struggle for me? I have so many wonderful people around me who love me. I have so many wonderful things to be happy for and thankful for. Why can’t I just accept your presence in my life as what it is: Just another wonderful gift of friendship? It’s more than what you offer most people. And I am so very grateful that you’ve chosen to care for me in any way. It’s more than I deserve.
So here I am. Stuck. Stuck in my crazy feelings. Torn between heart and head. Unsure of which one to follow. My heart is a whore, and my head is a prude. Where does that leave me? Stuck in unwavering imbalance. Unsure. Concerned. Fragile. How do I control this?
Even though I know that you’d stay in my life if you knew, it would still change so very much. I don’t know if I can hide all this forever, but I do know that. You’d still be the same kind person, but it would be so strange. Who wants that over the comfort we share now? Then after the weirdness, things would slowly deteriorate, slowly pieces of our friendship would fall away.
Then again, say you feel the same just for argument’s sake.
I know that you still love her and probably always will. I don’t want to be your rebound, and I don’t want you to be mine. Not to mention, more hurdles to jump would appear is this were the case. So many concerns. So many things to consider. So complicated. Is it worth it, when most relationships statistically fail anyway? Oh, the perils!
I wish I could just start over and change our first meeting or keep from meeting you just like in The Butterfly Effect.
Step three: In Progress