I’m feeling terrible. So bad that I feel it run through my veins and the sickness hit my stomach. I’m not sick. I’m just so emotionally drained. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of everything and I don’t know what to do. Every move is the wrong move and no one is specific with me either because they don’t want to hurt me or there is nothing specific to say.
I’m sick of not knowing and I’m sick of feeling this way. For so long I’ve felt nothing and lately I’ve been feeling everything flooding my senses and I don’t know how to handle it or even how to convey how it feels.
Pieces of my heart are everywhere and I don’t know where it even resides as of now. I don’t even want to know. I just want every piece to come back to me, for every piece of me that’s been given away to return. I want a fresh start. I want to completely start over.
I plan to. This summer will be the beginning. It’s all leading up to me beginning someplace new this up and coming year. I want to feel fresh air that I haven’t been in before. I want to stop replaying the same episodes that I’ve already watched so many times.
My heart hurts. It needs rest as of now. I’m trying to do that. But the whirlwind never stops. I’m trying to recover from trauma. I’m trying to heal but you can’t heal if it isn’t ending and just keeps continuing.
It feels like I’m sworn to secrecy, can’t say anything about any of it because I don’t know how to speak it. I don’t know what it would do to the atmosphere. I don’t know how it would affect me. I don’t know what it would accomplish.
I just know this all needs to stop, and the reset button needs to be pressed. With no fears of what is to come or what is of the past, but with strength and power going forward. Where I am is not who I am. And I’m not ashamed of where I’m at. I am no good to anyone or anything if I don’t get better.
I’m rebuilding. I’m growing. I’m getting stronger. I’m learning. I’m rejuvenating. Recharging. It’s all a necessary part of this process. As with a broken bone, it needs time to be still and to heal. My heart is that bone. My being is that bone. And it needs stillness. It needs calm. And it will heal. I will heal.
Nothing has taken me down before, I won’t allow any of this to destroy me. It’s just time to work on letting go. To work on stitching myself up.
Feeling this pain now is a good sign, it’s beginning to hit me. If it doesn’t hit you you can’t deal with it. I will deal with everything here and now and leave it. I don’t have room for the weight of this.
I carry enough in the storm that is myself.