• Contradiction

    by  • March 15, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 8 Comments

    My thoughts of you are so full of contradiction
    I don’t want to think of you anymore
    Thinking of our time together
    Hurts not knowing if it was all pretenses
    ..a game to you or just pass time to make you feel better
    I don’t want to think of you anymore
    Stemming from hurt
    smudging my memories into something unrecognizable
    You are so very important
    I am not
    but I am you know
    This constant fight inside of me
    This contradiction of believe what us really was
    as if it still matters
    does it still matter?
    probably not
    but it does to me
    I don’t know anymore
    I don’t want it to matter to me
    You pushed me away
    so seemingly effortlessly
    Do you know how much you hurt me?
    Did you ever really care?
    Oh this contradiction inside of my head
    giving different answers to myself each time
    You pushed me away
    after so many years
    such a close bond – or so I thought
    without words just faded me out
    You pushed me away and into saying
    my untrue goodbye (s)
    made me having to be strong
    made me pretending to be strong
    I am, in a way
    because I always had to be
    Fuck you for showing me love exists
    just to never let me taste it
    and finalizing the stab by
    trying to kill it off
    So come here now that you seem all healed
    Come here and make it right
    Love me and let us be us
    Oh no – holy cow living with you?
    Dealing with all of what that you is?
    Noway, I don’t even want that..
    Or do I?
    I hate what you did to me
    to my inner peace and conviction
    to my drive and muse
    I hate it because I love it so much
    My brain is plucking this proverbial flower
    I love you
    I love you not
    I want you
    I want you not
    the answer seems so clear
    ..would I think of you still
    ..would I miss you so much still
    If I “not”?
    I hate this contradiction of having to be strong
    of pretending to be strong

    You are the only one
    The only one I ever gave my secret away to

    I am weak, so very weak in a world
    that I have to pretend to be strong
    Yeah I am strong

    but all I ever wanted is to be able to let go
    just be me
    just be weak

    and at least feel safe
    ..for a moment in time
    you gave me that

    that illusion?
    or was it real?

    Contradiction inside

    ..and off I go to smile
    to be pretty
    to be witty
    to even enjoy some of it
    all the while pretending

    to be someone I am not

    Or am I?

    Try to figure that one out, LOL

    8 Responses to Contradiction

    1. If it makes you feel better...
      March 16, 2017 at 1:45 am

      At least someone out there has the exact same thoughts as you. A consolation prize, I guess.

      ‘How my thoughts they spin me ’round. And how my thoughts they let me down.’

      I’ll have them back now please.

      Thank You.

    2. omg
      March 16, 2017 at 2:50 am

      stay away from drugs

    3. Is that you...
      March 17, 2017 at 4:39 am


      Sigh. If only I could be so lucky…

    4. To be or not to be
      March 19, 2017 at 8:38 pm

      I don’t see this letter being one written in a drug fuelled state. Even if it is, does it matter for imagine the possibility that some of the most famous sayings, affimations or feelings that are so raw & deep that they’re brought forth because of DRUGS..? Yes drugs are bad & there’s no denying that. All drugs are to escape reality. When reality, life itself is our greatest gift.

      Ironic alcohol is the number One drug that is the worst of the lot! FACT. Yet its legal. Till this day I can’t understand why it’s not illegal like certain other stigma stereo typed ones most look down upon & judge.

      • Why dance around
        March 23, 2017 at 12:47 pm

        justifying drugs wanting to really say something else?

        I’d say “to be, Willy””to be” – and if you were him, I’d add a “come and show me””

    5. Sevrn degrees of separation.
      March 23, 2017 at 11:44 pm

      No, only a personal observation of the amount of lives it destroys. Its sad that’s all. Willy? I could answer it as a sexual innuendo? Or as a man named Will(iam)y that I know of. LOL

      The World is a Small Community.

      • Are we part of the remaining 5%?
        March 26, 2017 at 4:42 am

        It is sad, indeed.

        As for “Willy” – thanks for the laugh!

        How about an answer in words of the man you know of and leave the innuendo for another time & place if indeed we break the odds?

        He once send me a peace pertaining Desdemona…ah such sweet memories and I am very open to new making new ones.

    6. How about now?
      February 10, 2018 at 3:15 am

      Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet.. .. ..

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