I’ve been meaning to write a letter for a while now; the feelings and the state of mind are there but the right words escape me. I still read you every day. I try not to miss the little chance there’s for me to know anything about you. I still think of you every day no matter what I do, you’re always there sometimes you’re first thing on my mind others you stay quiet in the background, I even argue with you every now and then, when I have a different opinion about your writing. I wonder if you’ve figured the meaning behind the hearts I leave for you. Still a big fan of you.
I Still find it endearing how of all souls in the Universe to teach me about heartbreak & Love I chose You and apparently, You chose Me otherwise none of this would be happening right now. I will always be grateful for your presence in my life as I am sure you’ve done a lot for me that’s beyond my comprehension at the moment, I can feel it though, at a Soul level.
I have all these feelings when it comes to you..from appreciation to rage, to fear, to infatuation to resentment, to love..ugh I can go on and on about what you evoke in me. I remember asking the Universe, when I was in a dark place and had to make a decision, to show me how to love you. To be honest I don’t know if it heard me, because after that it only got worse between us. Yet I keep finding people that remind me of you in character and have brought to my awareness behaviors I wasn’t aware of which Im not proud of and im sure you experienced some of that yourself from me. I am learning to be a better person with them since I blew my chance with you. In all honesty I hate the way things ended with us. I hate how when I first started interacting with you in person I was crushing so hard on you and how you awoke something in me I had forgotten was there. I hate how I wanted you to be my bff, how I wanted you to be the friend that I could trust to motivate me out of my shell and give my heart to without fearing I made the wrong decision. I hate how I wanted you to be honest and straightforward with me when I needed it the most but instead I got nothing but the opposite from you. I hate all the resentment I feel for you, I don’t want it! It makes me cry, it makes me sad, it taints the image I had of you, of the person I fell for, of the person I wanted to be my one! I wish there was some sort of redemption for us but when I reminisce and see all the mess that we left and I don’t see a way back..to trust, to friendship at the least and that’s when I realize how much damage was caused and lose hope all over again like I’m stuck on denial. I wish most nights there was a way for us to get back into each other’s lives and have another chance at it not only with me but with other friends as well. One of them in particular who you probably see more than you see me on a weekly basis is my guess. But I highly doubt any of that will happen no matter how much I wish for it. It’s a fait accompli..we had our chance and we blew it. So far it looks to me like it was a once in a lifetime to get it right, unless im proven wrong, Lord knows I want to be proven wrong on this one! In the meantime since I can’t have You I’ll hold on to the memories good and bad ones and the wishes and the daydreams and the words that I knew were there when I looked at you but never heard from your mouth..