I’ve made it!! Finally my head and heart has aligned! I’m so, so over you. Sure, the sense of indescribable injustice still survives and the guilt every time I turn on the news and see some man committing violence or driving drunk and killing people is still there. God, how I wish I had gone to the cops – you are a very dangerous person and I’ll feel partly responsible if you ever hurt someone else like you hurt me because I didn’t make you pay for your violence and shittiness. But I have to move on. I’m getting my shit together and when I’m a Dr – and your nose has caved in from all the coke snorting you do I will think of you. YOu will die before me and I can tell you right now – I’m going to spit on your grave. That’s the least a filthy mongrel like you deserves.
I was so naive when I met you – a lamb to the slaughter. I’d led a very sheltered life – I didn’t know people could be so sneaky. I thought violent,coke heads were obvious not wrapped up in wealthy, business owners with lawyers and professionals for friends. Now I look down on everyone who oozes money like you do – I’m certain they are all shallow cokeheads who beat up women behind closed doors while projecting such a false image. Yeah, but I’m gonna be a Dr – in two years, lol and your habit which is already causing you erectile dysfunction, bowel problems like shitting the bed, paranoia, violence and severe personality deficits which make your cultural middle eastern upbringing into a flaming misogynistic barbarian will be fucked. You’ll never lose that much money but your health will be shit and so will your brain. What will money give you that is so good you will literally eat your brain away?
I loved you more than anyone I’ve ever met. I wanted to breath you in, and crawl inside your skin. I unconditionally accepted you. Your scent, your skin, your eyes, your everything and you will never meet anyone who was as transfixed by you as I was. I was in a trance. Just breathing next to you was like heaven and you used me, hurt me and treated me like shit. YOur paranoia over the type of person you thought I was showed pure projection – I know I am nothing you have ever said – so you must have been talking about yourself. I’ve led a very quiet, boring academic life. I’ve done none of the things you ever screamed at me. That was coming from inside of you. How sad that such amazing chemistry only felt once in my long life will be lost to your mental illness. I wasn’t with you for money – I wasn’t using you like all of your friends you supply with a place to party and coke to snort. I have never felt so unhealthy in my life – how you do it every week is beyond me. I value my health. but I obviously loved you more. But I can’t afford to love you at the detriment to myself and my kids. You are dangerous. you were funny and different and romantic and smart and you’re wasting everything good about yourself and turning into a barbarian, an uncivilised brutish piece of shit. Not my problem anymore. I’m bettering myself everyday and I’ve healed finally from my ‘Nasser madness’. I won’t feel like that again – of that I’m sure but the high, the love wasn’t worth the danger.
I don’t believe in God or Karma. After all I’m a scientist. I don’t think you’ll ever get what you deserve for all the evil you have wrought upon this world. I also don’t think barbarians have enough of a conscience to even care about the crap they spread and inflict around them, so you’ll never feel bad for the things you’ve done – you’ll only ever feel like a righteous victim like every abusive narcissist I’ve ever met. So how can I live with that? I just have too. I have to remember that any vitriol inside my own head will never harm you – it will only poison me – so I’m getting it out here and letting it dribble out of my mind onto the page. Drip, drip drip – my sense of injustice, my sense of unfairness, my thoughts of seeking revenge, my silent cries for your death, my sorrow at the loss of my love, my heartache that those feelings can’t be replicated. It was like basking in the sun – but I got burnt and the boils are now bursting. The pus is oozing and if I don’t get it away from me, it will reinfect my healing wounds.
I have lovely kind men in my life who would love to be my partner but I’m not cruel enough to lead them on and use them and let them fall in love because I know I can’t return their feelings. You ruined me there; however, that doesn’t preclude a happy life.
I will prevail in this world – I will succeed – I’m going to make sure of it. I’m dealing with my loose ends and moving towards a clean slate with a Doctorate under my belt for dessert. And with that, I’ll make my next move and you better watch out Mr B, and you better not get in my way because if you ever darken my doorstep – I will bring you and every single one of your coke head mates down – millionaires or not. Capisce??