• “Send it in a letter, make yourself feel better…”

    by  • March 6, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 3 Comments

    I don’t know how to get this out.
    I feel like I’ve stumbled and said it all already.
    To you.
    To other people.
    I guess I’m having a hard time letting go.
    You never wanted me to cut you out.
    But you also enjoyed dangling a future with you over me like a carrot.
    That hurt. Always. A lot.
    I couldn’t sit around and wait any longer for you to grow up and change.
    I’m sorry I let you hurt me.
    I’m sorry I let myself fall in love so deeply with someone that I ignored the red flags.
    I do believe it’s better to have loved and lost, but I’m not sure if I had known what I know now, I would have made that same choice.
    I don’t get how you made that choice either.
    And I’m angry that you let this begin, too.
    I’m angry you made this into something.
    I’m angry you wouldn’t stop when I asked you to.
    I should have listened to my gut and stopped it then. I was foolish.
    I’m angry you kept me wishing and hoping and dreaming.
    I’m angry you made false promises and statements.
    And I’m angry that when I made the final call, you thought we could just go back to the beginning and be friends.
    Like nothing happened.
    Like I was to just sit there on the outskirts of your life for the end of time, while you continue to whittle away and change nothing.
    A secret. A ghost.
    Do you ever think about how you impact people?
    How can you call that love?
    How can you hurt me and call that love?
    How can I call what just happened love?
    How do I let all of this go?

    “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love.” – JK Rowling

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    3 Responses to “Send it in a letter, make yourself feel better…”

    1. Buttercup
      March 6, 2017 at 2:52 pm

      If he said this all to me, I wouldn’t know what to say. I loved him. I did the best I could. I don’t know. Fear of abandonment leaves us doing strange things. My mum left me when I was a kid and I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, I still see her as an adult, but recently I’ve had memories of how it destroyed me, as the child I was I died inside. Sometimes we get used to keeping the ones we love at arms length, if they let us, I’ve learnt so much through this experience with him, the heartache, about me, about what I want, about what I can and can’t offer others. It tested my limits. I protected myself from the pain of him leaving, see in the end, he left anyway, I don’t know what I could have done differently then, I only know what I could do differently now. Truth be it we both did a lot of wrong by each other, but I still love him. He doesn’t know that anymore, but I always will. Still hoping he comes back, but I know he won’t. Nevertheless, he has a lot to learn also, time time time.




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    2. Buttercup
      March 6, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      I should also say here, that year, my life as I knew it completely fell out from under me, I don’t think he did or can ever completely understand the impact events in my own life had on me, let alone his treatment of me. I wasn’t in a healthy space. That’s all.




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    3. ?
      March 6, 2017 at 4:33 pm

      Abdul?




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