I know you are going to think this is ridiculous and very stupid, and you are right, it very well might be. But I just wanted to tell you something. I am sure you will say that I am being “emotional” and I definitely am. I wanted to say thank you and that I am so very sorry.
Let me explain, I was so excited to move back to home. It was a relief I hated being in a place that was all concrete and nothing like the beautiful mountains I was use to. While, I know we hadn’t talked since high school, it was easier moving back home, knowing I had a friend to go hiking with and to hang out with.
Moving back home was great. I got to see my family I missed. Then things turned for the worse. My pawpaw got really sick. I know this means nothing to you, but I just wanted to explain. I love my pawpaw, but I had said some very ugly things to him. I never gave him a break and always held him responsible for his actions, even when he had good intentions, but chose the wrong words. I was close to my pawpaw. When I moved back, I ate lunch with him and my mawmaw at least 2-3 times a week.
When I got the call he was in the hospital sick with pancreatitis, I wasn’t too concern. A girl who is dating my cousin, who I really don’t like either one of them, called to tell me that my pawpaw was sick and in the hospital. I was ugly to her since my grandmother had already called me to let me know, and my comment to her was “call me when he is dead.” Not knowing it would happen, I was still hurt by something my pawpaw did and said to me previously. I called him anyway and told him I knew he was going to get better soon and I would see him soon and that I loved him.
Obviously, I didn’t get to see him. A few days later, we got a call that he had turned for the worse. Then he was unresponsive and put on life support.
I have never felt heart break completely. But this was the first time my heart ever broke. I went and visited him in the hospital and being the only one who understands medical stuff in my family, I knew it was bad, while my family was sure he was going to pull through. His body started to shut down quickly. That’s when they decided to let my pawpaw go.
I will never forget the experience and I wish I hadn’t gone back in the room when they turned off the life support. They gave my pawpaw very heavy sedatives and very strong pain meds and turned off his life support. My family and I stood there and watched as he started to take his “last breaths.” My family truly thought he was snoring when he passed. But I knew the truth, I don’t know what it is called in human medicine, but we call it agonal breathing in vet med. It’s where the body is shutting down and freaking out during the animals last breaths and the animal essentially gasp for air, well that was what happened to my pawpaw. Now every time I think of my pawpaw, I think of that moment.
It broke my heart completely and shattered my soul to the core. At lunch one day I had told you after that I had issues. I truly meant it, I didn’t/don’t know how to handle this type of heartbreak and my response is anger. You didn’t realize it, but it was more than that, I was broken inside and was grasping for something to fill that heartbreak or at least make sense of it.
That is where you came in, not realizing it, you helped me start putting my pieces back together. You reminded me of my pawpaw so much. I started to feel better and started to laugh again and not a fake laugh I did/do at work when I think about my pawpaw, but a true laugh.
I told you I was having a hard time dealing with it and you accepted that, you accepted me without any judgment. You told me we all have issues. And I found myself opening up to you. I am sure you didn’t pick up on it, but I knew for some reason you wouldn’t make me feel stupid about how I was dealing with this. Even when we would grab a bite to eat, I would just space out thinking about my pawpaw and you would pull me back in.
So, for all of that, I want to thank you, for you have put a small amount of my heart back together. It isn’t complete and I am not sure it ever will, but it is a start.
Here is where I want to apologize. You didn’t ask for it. I started putting these unrealistic expectations on you. I started to depend on you to make me feel happy again, to keep me from crying all the time and to keep me pushing forward.
I know it must seem stupid to you, and very “girl/woman” of me to be this emotional. I was only thinking of myself. I don’t think I was using you in the sense of malice, but I like I said, I started to depend on you to help me through this heartbreak.
I am not sure if I was falling for you, or if it was my heartbreak trying to fill the void. I don’t know what happened at the beach and I am sure I was too emotional or whatever for you and it was not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable. I miss your friendship and the way you made me laugh. I miss our lunches and miss having someone to experience new places with.
I didn’t handle being rejected from you. I know you weren’t rejecting me, but I felt like I was being pushed away. My heart couldn’t handle it. I went a little crazy and blocked you on Facebook, I know it is emotional and you probably didn’t even realize it. I know this is coming off completely selfish and all about me, but I want you to know that if it wasn’t for you, I would be completely lost. So Thank you and I am sorry.
I hope you can forgive me and we can be friends again. I am still a hot mess and I am sure it will take me a long time to get through this heartbreak, but I hope that you will be there to help me out as a friend.
A dysfunctional heartbroken friend