• At least it’s rational

    by  • March 2, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    I have so many insecurities. I am constantly worried, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I absolutely hate it. But as least my insecurities are rational, at least imo.

    My biggest insecurity is money. I barely make enough to pay my bills as it is and there’s always some unexpected event that makes things even harder. Like my bank failing to process my last paycheck deposit for over two weeks. How does that even happen. It’s happens because it’s me and bad shit just happens to me for now good reason. Even if I could say “I make x amount per month and I need y amount to get by”, and x was greater than y, I still have no security in this regard because like mentioned above bad shit just happens to me.

    I’m very lonely, and yet I don’t put much effort in creating new relationships or even maintaining the ones I have. No one has ever stuck it out and really shown they wanted to be a part of my life so maybe I’m just protecting myself from the inevitability of even more rejection.

    As for lovers, well that’s not happening. It’s been so long I’ve pretty much given up hope. I don’t feel desirable. But no one has ever made me feel that way before, so again I think it’s rational.

    You know what’s not rational? Hope. Hope is not rational. February was an altogether horrible month, and January was about the same. 2017 has been awful for me so far. 2016 sucked too. If anything I see this trend where my life gets harder and worse every year, every month, and even every day. So My greatest hope right now is that I will get a little reprieve and March will actually be a good month. But that’s not rational based upon my experience. What’s rational is to expect the very worst.

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