• Over a year ago, I lied to you.

    by  • February 24, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    We don’t lie to each other. We’ve always been open, and honest, and then… over a year ago, I lied to you. About a friend of mine at work offering to bring me lunch. A friend who you felt threatened by. A friend that was just a friend.
    I didn’t want to hurt you.
    I didn’t want to ruin your day.
    I didn’t plan on lying to you. I planned on telling you the truth.
    I kept going over it in my head, how I would just bring it up, casually, because it was no big deal.
    And then I called you.
    And we talked.
    And I lied. .
    It wasn’t planned. It happened in that moment. The moment I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.
    And you knew, because you’d seen my texts from the night before…

    Over a year ago, I lied to you.
    And since that day, nothing’s been the same.

    . . .

    It took so long for you to say “I love you” for the first time. We’d been dating for over a year before you finally said it. That was almost three years ago. And you haven’t said it for over a year now.
    You haven’t said it since that day. The worst day of my life.

    Over a year ago, I lied to you.
    I didn’t think everything could change that easily.
    We were so happy. Everything was so perfect.

    . . .

    It took a long time for things to feel better…
    Things still aren’t “great” anymore.
    You haven’t said I love you.
    I have. About a million times, I have. It doesn’t feel like it matters that I do.
    You say you don’t believe in love anymore. That you didn’t before me. And then I convinced you it must not be real…. yet you love our dogs, and you love your family… but you don’t love me.
    But you say you don’t ever want to leave me. I don’t get it.

    Over a year ago, I lied to you.
    And I just keep getting this feeling, like, ‘I’m ready to be happy again.’
    And sometimes I feel like I am.
    But then I think about you not loving me anymore, and it’s hard to hold on to the happy feeling.

    Over a year ago, I lied to you.
    And it tortured me. Every single day, I cried, for months. For a year, I hated myself. HATED myself. Only kept from hurting myself because I didn’t want to hurt you again. Because I ruined everything. Because I lied to you. Because things were perfect, and I ruined everything with one lie. One stupid lie, about soup. And I didn’t even eat it.

    Over a year ago, I lied to you.
    I’ve finally started to forgive myself… but you haven’t. You don’t bring it up often. You mostly act normal, and happy. Happy enough, I guess. You laugh and joke. You cuddle me at night. You kiss me. You do nice things for me. You do little things again, like pulling my hair when we’re falling asleep and tickling me and spanking me when you walk by and all of the normal, you, things again. And things have started to feel better. But you don’t forgive me. Because when we do argue, you bring it up. And it feels like you’re never going to forgive me. And you’re never going to love me again. And I don’t know how to deal with that.
    So I hope for the best. I pray you’ll realize you do love me. I pray a lot.

    And I hope.
    And I hope you’re hoping, too.

    Over a year, I lied to you.
    It’s all I ever think about anymore.

    One Response to Over a year ago, I lied to you.

    1. LeijaChan
      February 24, 2017 at 11:40 pm

      I pray your lover forgives you, and you two can find peace again. A year is way too long to suffer like this. A year is way too long to hold a broken heart ???? over each other.

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