Our relationship is difficult to explain. When I moved back I had set boundaries. I had told them neither one of us are committed. Yes we have sex, but it’s not nearly as often as it use to be. I don’t want to mislead them. I turn them down quite a bit. I don’t mean to, but I just won’t do it unless I’m feeling it. I can’t pretend well. He gets aggravated about it. I told him that when I had moved out and lived on my own for awhile, that I had gotten involved with someone. He doesn’t know who of course. I did tell him that they decided it wasn’t their thing and ended it. I had told him I was feeling heart broken when you ended it. He does make comments every now and again when he has to go to work. Like “Now you can go see your boyfriend” or if I’m writing a letter he says “You texting your boyfriend?” I don’t get upset. I do understand. Something changed when I moved out. I don’t know if it’s because I liked being independent or if it’s because of my deep feelings for you. It’s probably a combination of both those things. He grabs my ass and breast a lot. It makes me feel like a piece of meat at times. Subconsciously I wonder if I turn him down so much wanting him to maybe find another so when I was ready to be independent he wouldn’t hurt so . I care for him and love him as a human being. I just don’t feel like I’m in love with him…… Maybe I just need a bit more healing from you leaving me. Maybe my feelings for him would intensify. I still think about you a lot. I should probably focus on not doing that so much, because that’s probably what makes me long for you hard. The thoughts start off sweet and innocent then before I know it my mind is flooded with us making love. He doesn’t mind if I enjoy being with another woman. To tell the truth I feel more comfortable with women. Am I gay? Yes. I always have been. Am I straight? Yes always have been. I would say I enjoy both sexes. If I ever found the one then I would just be with that one. I thought you were the one. I know your not gay. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should’ve guarded my heart with you. You made it known you weren’t available to me from the beginning. You didn’t lead me on at all. You made it clear you were happy where you were at and just wanted to have fun. I had told you a few times how I felt, but it was usually in your ear while making love, so you probably just shook it off thinking it was ecstasy talking and not me. It was me though. When you touched me, it felt right. All of you felt right. I’m glad you stayed guarded. I would’ve never been able to walk away. I was too smitten. I know you had a life of your own. I know you had curiosities about it all. I would never have asked you to leave your life. For all I knew yall were extremely happy. From what I saw yall were anyway. Had some problems, but all relationships do. It’s normal.
When you ended it I shut down. I’ve never felt that way before. I learned a lot, but am having trouble letting go. You’ve made it clear you want nothing more to do with me. Maybe you don’t even give me a second thought anymore. Maybe you feel relieved you ended it. I don’t know. Im getting stronger. I’m wanting to start hanging out with friends I’ve pushed back for awhile. I pushed them back before I met you. When I moved out on my own I pushed everyone back so I could focus. Next week I’m seeing a friend whos visiting for a week. She’s going to be staying mon to mon. She moved to Louisiana a couple years ago, but has a court date next wednesday. She’s staying in the coast town where I pass your place to get there. She’s been a friend for 20 years. I’ve told her of us. To her your name is Legend. She has no clue who you are. Her and I did mess around back in the day, but we never fell in love. We were young and liked to party. That’s all. I haven’t seen her in a couple of years. She’s 52 yrs old. Enough about that. Sorry for the rambling. I guess I just needed it off my chest. I’ve got 4,270 saved. Almost to my goal for a decent start. He has no clue how much I’ve got saved. I miss you something terrible. You will always be my Girl…..I’m here if you need or want me. I hope you are being loved the way I love you…..