• A Letter to A Ghost

    by  • February 16, 2017 • Thoughts • 3 Comments

    Trigger warning: Sexual assault, PTSD

    Hi,

    It’s me I guess. I would ask how you have been to make you comfortable, but unfortunately, comfort is a word that I’ve long forgotten. Why exactly am I writing you in the first place? Well, let’s eliminate some reasons. I’m not writing you to ask how your life is doing. I kind of already know, due to the overwhelming number of friends that we have in common. I hear about you whenever I talk to them, on how you’re doing so well. But that’s not why I’m writing to you.

    I am writing to you to fully explain to you, what have you done to me, the crime that you have silently committed. What you thought was, just a case of hurting someone’s feelings. You did more than just hurt my feelings. You violated my body when you put your body on top of mine, and put your fingers inside of me. You made me bleed and damaged a part of my body. You retraumatized me again, leaving me with feelings that I knew too well, the feelings of sexual assault. When I tried to confront you on what you had done, I didn’t try to accuse you of sexual assault, because I used to believe that it was a simple misunderstanding, yet I still felt like something terrible had been done to me. However, you simply brushed me off, accusing me of being hysterical and obsessive.

    People around me would just tell me, “move on”, including you. But how can I move on from the past when the past cannot move on from me? Please explain the nightmares of you raping me or attacking me. Please explain the flashbacks of that night. Please explain to me why I have an anxiety attack every time I see you, and how I can’t breathe properly, nor eat during the attack. I have PTSD and depression from all of the damage you have caused.

    The thought of penetrative sex scares me. I have medical problems now, because of the high influx of cortisol slowly breaking down my body. I’ve isolated myself from the community that we are in, because I do not want to run into you. Because we work in similar fields, I am worried that I will have to go on medication if I end up in the same workplace as you, to make sure that I can function. I stay away from mutual friends and I can’t open up to anyone about my situation, because who would believe me?

    You were a bright promising computer science student who was an RA, someone in a position of power at the University of Washington. I was a gay kid who was just recovering from the recoils of sexual assault before she met you. I have severe mental problems and I isolate myself because, who would believe me?

    There was once a time where I did nothing but adore and look up to you. There was once a time where I believed that I could love you one day, and overcome my past. There were days when I wished that you would come back. But now I know those days are long gone. I’m now sad because I once adored and looked up to you. Now I don’t know if I can ever love a man. You’re not coming back, and even if you did, I don’t know if I would want you back. I guess a part of me has moved on, because I don’t think that having you love me would magically change all the problems between us.

    I’m not writing to accuse you of hurting me. I am just trying to inform you of your actions and how they have affected my life. Please look back and reflect on what you have done before you hurt anyone else. Hopefully if you clearly listen to me, it will help.

    -M

    3 Responses to A Letter to A Ghost

    1. Please read all and ask anything you need to, darling girl
      February 17, 2017 at 1:05 am

      Please believe me when I say that there are NO ‘misunderstandings’ with these people. They know exactly what they are doing. Do you think he has forgotten he stuck his fingers in you? Do you believe he ‘may have thought you wanted it?’ NO, NO, NO…… He KNEW damn well you were vulnerable and in the absence of a strong outloud NO does not imply consent. He KNEW you were in need of a friend. Please, take my advice from one woman to another. One woman who has been sexually assaulted. One woman who has grown and thought and thought and read and also gotten therapy.

      These ‘men’ KNOW and can see which women will be easily manipulated. They know you will feel for them because of past traumas. They take advantage of everybody that crosses their path.. They are numerous. NUMEROUS.. You need GIRL friends. Never trust a man until he has proven trustworthy – too many of them have ulterior motives and most of them can’t be friends with women without trying to get their dicks involved sooner or later. They are the ‘nice guys’… The other guys are predators, plain and straight – they are psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Please, please, please dear girl – arm yourself. Read ‘in sheeps clothing’ by Dr George Simon. Then read about narcissists then read about psychopaths and sociopaths. ARM YOURSELF against these people. Know the signs. He doesn’t need you to inform him of anything – he knows damn well what’s he done – he simply doesn’t care. Don’t treat these people as if they have the same capacity for humanity as you – that will always mean you will be hurt. They can see that you can’t see the real them – they can see you struggling to understand why they seem unmoved. They are amused when you try to explain why what they did hurt.. They KNOW it hurt, they did it on purpose and they don’t care… They look human but they are not. After all my research I can spot them now and they stay away from me.

      The reason this filthy predator tells you to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’ is because he KNOWS that if he uses these tactics you will doubt yourself and your own perceptions. Why – if HE doesn’t think he raped you then you won’t either, correct? NEVER doubt your own gut feelings. You feel violated because he effing violated you and HE knows it as well as you. Now, my dear girl – you are going to put on your big girls blouse and you are going to tell this thing exactly what he is and you are not going to hide his fucking secret for him and you are going to tell him – that you will tell your story and you will never be ashamed of something that is HIS SHAME to own. Don’t take HIS SHAMEFUL and disgusting act as something that means anything about you. Also get yourself into counselling or ring a free helpline. I’ve used them at my lowest and they can help.

      So get help because you deserve a good life and you are precious. You have one life and the more moments you let him steal are moments you can’t get back. He isn’t worth spitting on. He isn’t tortured by what he did because he simply, as a psychopath doesn’t have the depth of feelings to care about what he did. What he does know, by experience is if he continues to arrogantly pretend it didn’t happen that you might crawl into a little hole and curl up. No you are going to live a good life and succeed and be happy. You are not going to let him ruin your life. Don’t give him that much power. Do you think you are the only person he has done this to? Nope. He is a predator.

      So start reading, educate yourself and ARM yourself. And most importantly getting him out of your head doesn’t mean you forgive him – you do not need to forgive and if I could attach a document here I would that states clearly ways in which people who have been hurt beyond repair can move on without forgiveness. I hate people telling me I have to forgive. No way. They don’t get my forgiveness. But I don’t let them steal my joy either. I think if you google ‘alternatives to forgiveness’ some documents may pop up. If you can’t find them. write back and I will find them for you. Good luck beautiful and stay strong.

    2. Wings
      February 17, 2017 at 1:45 am

      Oh dear. This almost looks like it has been written by me, only I write less poetically when this is concerned.

      The matter of fact is , people can be decieving – controlling manipulative and destructive.

      As soon as you report this half of it will be off your shoulder. And never go lookimg for closure from such a monster.

      I wish you peace and happiness.
      And that you build courage to move on and never ever give attention to this perpetrator. Leave the rest to God.

      – Trust me to come back after a whole year and come across this post.

      You will get through it.

      >i<

      • Hi
        February 17, 2017 at 9:48 pm

        @author, My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find someone you trust to talk to and open up about your situation. In order to start the healing process you need to get it out.

        @wings, Glad to see you. I mistakenly gave you a hard time several months ago on here, in regards to you not being able to forgive someone. I am sorry I made assumptions. I now see that some people do not deserve forgiveness. Especially those that steal innocence, take advantage of the weak, and cause irreversible damage. I used to think everyone deserved forgiveness, because regardless of mistakes we are all inherently good at heart. That was incredibly naive. I have come to realize that there are indeed sick people (if you even want to call them that) that purposely prey on others and take joy from causing pain and destruction. They do not deserve forgiveness. They deserve nothing but what they have coming, not even a thought. I hope you are well.

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