To my love, the addict
I’m writing this because it’s been five long years and regardless of where we’ve both wandered off to I hope to wander back to each other one day on much better grounds than the last time we spoke. Clean for 3 weeks you thought you had mastered the addiction, and I welcomed you back into my life with hope. I don’t think I would be writing this had you stayed clean. Showing up to surprise you at rehab just about broke all of my hope when they told me you had left. For some god forsaken reason I’ve always allowed myself to forget everything when you’ve made your entrance back into my life, for whatever period of time. And I’ve stuck it out, watched you drown,& almost allowing myself to drown with you. I’ve cried countless days and nights while praying for the sweet man I love to get clean, and stay clean. Instead these days, you’re trying to stay somewhat sober and totally away from me. Love is messed up like that, we allow ourselves to become to immersed in another being that we forget all responsibilty that we carry. Wanting a love so badly we’re willing to risk it all makes me think; How do you decifer love and toxicity? Our breakup only lead to the spiral of your life; allowing the addiction to rule you, everyone was just a pawn in the game of getting high. And my worst fear, I also was a pawn. My love, my sweet man, battling everyday to attempt sobriety, nothing hurts worse than witnessing it. I helped, I sat with you through the nights, losing sleep just to make sure you slept through the night. I thought I was the one person whom your addiction wouldn’t try to suck in. I’m a fool, addiction doesn’t discriminate and the sooner I realized it, the tiny bit less painful it has been for me to walk away. My darling love, I hope you awaken your inner strength and fight this addiction, the way we’ve fought for our love all these years. My heart beats for you.