With him, I felt safe..even when things became insensitive and cruel after a night of poison. I became a better person; less stubborn , more considerate as a girlfriend, and felt excited to try new things and have him be the one standing next to me doing them. He was protective, funny, and had eyes you’d get lost in-which I did almost every day for 4 years. We taught each other so much, and had so many bright and dark memories; none that I regret, all that I will cherish.. for the rest of my life.
Then arose someone who I had known for over a decade, who was always someone that I saw first in a crowded room and felt connected to. (even when we barely knew each other) Timing wasn’t in our favour until I fell out of love with ‘him’ & then Suddenly there was a new ‘him’. ‘HE’ made me feel alive, confident, infatuated, in love, and in a state of bliss. I was the first one he’d see in a crowded room, and he was mine. And suddenly, almost immediately actually, I felt as though he was the only ‘him’ in the entire universe. He’d listen intently to lyrics when you’d show him a song, he’d Instil assurance that I would not be held back, but supported. He would tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and I genuinely believed him, and that he believed it too. He’d compliment my intelligence, willingly discuss random topics, and take interest in them. He did this.. He did this amazingly.
But as people say, you have to take the good with the bad.
Things were incredible when they were good, but the darkest sorrow a heart can handle when they were bad. He was very good at pushing people away and protecting himself- to a fault in my opinion. It was the horrible feeling of feeling unsafe and alone. Feeling so broken and angry but still hoping ‘he’s’ okay too, and feeling weak for worrying about him after being hurt by him. Or Initially not telling anyone the bad parts because I didn’t want that to be all that others saw. I knew what I was getting into and that this pain was unhealthy when it happened, but I craved the goodness between us.
I felt like the poisonous influence of alcohol contributed to any major issues, so I felt that was not truly him..or me. Realistically, things were much deeper than that. I made a choice that I still stand by and he never truly forgave me. He did things to me due to the resentment, and I never really forgave him for that either. So then you have two people who endured more trials and tribulations in under a year than most do in their lifetime; Two people who obviously loved each other immensely, but both secretly held bitterness towards one another.
He would easily get set off and his resentment would surface, and I would shut down when I would see history repeating itself. He tried to be better for me and I didn’t even really give him a chance. I was scared to be hurt again, had not forgiven him, but also didn’t want to lose him.
It was a vicious cycle.
Both trying to fight to make it work, but neither truly forgiving one another or talking about it. It was like we were worlds apart when fights would happen; Physically, we were like a magnet and a piece of metal..flawless ability to connect. Emotionally, we became two magnets without the metal trying to connect but not succeeding. We were fighting about minuscule things when in reality, we were still fighting about the past without saying so.. All the while fighting for each other but in all the wrong ways.
And suddenly, love was no longer ‘enough’ to continue dancing with the devil.
I can honestly understand why it’s over, and I can honestly say that I have never experienced such a passionate, immobilizing, shattering, tragic, incredible love in my life. I will never have another love like his, so I will treasure it. I will treasure how euphoric things felt, I will treasure that he showed me how real love feels like when things were good, I will treasure the terrible times and the milestones and apologies.
I have never fought for someone so hard in my life, and I’m grateful to have experienced a love that makes me fight as long as my heart could handle. Some people go their whole lives not feeling a love like we had.
I will probably always love him, and he may always love me. Unfortunately, love is not enough to build a life..although I hoped it to be. I believe we were/are lucky despite everything, and I only wish only greatness for him because he deserves it. I hope one day he will see his worth the way I do, then he will be able to fully give himself to another human being. & when he does, I hope he sees when I challenged him or was overly upset by cruelty, that it was because I had the ability to see him.. And I mean really see him. It was love.. But I may have arguably loved him more than he loved himself.
One day he will see himself the way I do.
I am lucky that he gave me the gift of seeing my own worth again, and I only wish I could have reciprocated that. But I hope that for him..& I hope happiness and love for him. As for me, I wish for strength, acceptance and the power to –l e t g o–