• I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

    by  • February 7, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Fear • 2 Comments

    I never have, to be completely honest. It’s always been about following the path that was prepared for me and don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for that. I’m so lucky and fortunate to have been raised by a loving family, to have a chance to go to a good school and have food on the table every day. I know that. But – there’s always a “but”, you see – I wish I knew where I was headed.

    I’m finishing high school. Next year is my final year and the thing that scares me so much is that I have no idea what to do. I have so much motivation but I can’t get a grasp of anything I could invest it into. There’s nothing I’m particularly good at, nothing I could see myself doing – and hell, even if I do figure out what school to go to, there’s still a huge chance I won’t have enough money to do that. My family is not poor, but there are months when we barely get by. We’ve got the internet and a house and a car but with every single bill, I can see my parents’ wrinkles getting deeper.
    I wish I could help them, get a diploma and a good job and be able to finally give them what they deserve.

    Everybody always tells me that I’ve got a whole life in front of me, but sometimes it’s hard to see that. It’s hard to believe in a happy future when it’s so… terrifying. There are so many things I don’t know how to deal with. People all around me are facing battles and I can’t do anything to help them. Even when I do, it makes no difference. And I know it’s not about me, but I feel like falling apart sometimes. I want them to be happy. I want them to know they deserve that. And all I do is fail them, over and over again, ruin everything good in my life and keep pushing until they break and give up on me.

    I don’t want to be like this. There was a time when I was thinking too much, overthinking every single step in my life. Now, I can barely bring myself to think about what’s gonna happen tomorrow. It’s all in there, and I know I should be doing something. I can’t motivate myself, I can’t get out of this misery. I can’t talk about my problems to anyone and I keep sucking up others’ stories as if I was feeding off of them. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it gives me a reason to shut my eyes and pretend my life doesn’t exist.

    When I lay in bed, knowing there are things I should be doing – be it studying, working, helping my sick mum or caring about my friends – I just keep laying there. And the hate that I feel towards myself just keeps growing until I can’t stand the feel of my own skin, can’t stand the thoughts in my head, the guilt and the regrets. And I know I could help them – I know there has to be something I could do, but I can’t figure out what it is.

    I feel stuck. And I feel miserable about putting this all out there. Are you reading this? Is someone actually there? I hope so. But even if not, it doesn’t matter. The person I need to read it has already done so.

    Thank you. For everything. Keep fighting.
    Love, …

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    2 Responses to I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

    1. A friend
      February 7, 2017 at 2:12 pm

      In terms of you deciding what you want to be. Take your time! Make as many mistakes as you want or need to in order to realise what exactly you want to be or do.
      I was in the same position many years ago.
      I left school with no idea as to what I wanted to be.
      I thought why not become an architect because I liked watching programmes based on buildings. Then I realised my heart wasn’t into it. So I thought become an interior designer because I liked designing rooms at home but it wasn’t for me.
      Then I decided to become an artist because I loved and still love art but I honestly saw it more as a hobby than something I’d want to do all of the time. I then thought about what I wanted to do as a child. Way before anything influenced me. I thought then I wanted to go into healthcare and help people but I didn’t have the qualifications so I went back and studied and realised I enjoy this. Yet still I did not know what healthcare professional I wanted to be so I thought I really like footballers so let’s become a physiotherapist so I can help them but my heart was not into it. I then thought I wanted to become an occupational therapist but even then my heart was not in it. I left education again and thought I really need to find what area of healthcare I’m passionate about so I worked for a few years in healthcare with adults, elderly, children, babies, individuals with learning disabilities, individuals with mental illnesses. After I had done all of them I though ok now I know what I want to be and that’s a paediatric nurse. I’m now currently studying to be one and it has taken me so long but I absolutely love what I do!
      My message to you would be, take your time. Make as many mistakes needed in order to know what you want to become and be someone you know you’ll love.
      I hope this helps x


    2. just a parent
      February 7, 2017 at 9:55 pm

      as a parent of a child finishing college, I’m compelled to reply to this.

      be happy, as a young person you may not have discovered what makes you happiest, yet.
      Time to try new things, to explore everything up to your boundaries.
      Its ok to go in directions that others may not understand, just remember the moral compass you were given and it will be alright. Follow your interests into areas no one in your family has explored yet, if your true calling where something close to home, you would have already been exposed to it and you would know thats where your interest was, follow?
      I’d recommend volunteering somewhere. People understand volunteering, it makes sense.
      You wont be expected to make a career out of it, parents wont wonder how you intend to support yourself on “xyz” career choice. Discovering it wasn’t for you won’t lead to any of the uncertainties of “how you’ll keep a job as an adult if you’re always quitting jobs”. its volunteer work, there’s no failure in leaving it and volunteering elsewhere. You’ll meet new people, possibly people with different jobs than anyone you know now.
      find your passion, what you would do for free, what you would love to do for the next decade. Its ok if you havent found it yet, it just means its obviously not in the places you have already looked, thats all. so look somewhere new, but be smart about it



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