• what it feels like to be me

    by  • February 1, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    As you’re probably aware, I’ve been a little down lately. You’re probably also aware that this happens fairly often to me. Fortunately, it usually doesn’t last for too long. This weekend I’ve been trying to figure out how to articulate how it feels for me when I’m depressed, in case you care you understand.

    The biggest thing is I don’t want to be around anyone else. I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, including and especially myself and my own voice. Maybe more correctly said, I don’t want anyone to talk to or see me. Either way, I usually spend a lot of time in bed, afraid to leave my room. Bad things don’t happen when I’m in bed. Only once I get up. When I can’t sleep anymore I’ll move to my living room and sit in the dark. That’s very important. The dark is my friend. If I have to leave my apartment, I’d only do so under cover of night, when its dark and there aren’t many people outside. The ones that are outside won’t be able to see me as good because its dark, especially if I wear a hood. If my phone by some coincidence rings, I probably wont answer it. I’m just as likely to breakdown and start crying uncontrollably as I am to be capable of having any kind of rational conversation. Besides I imagine I have very little to offer anyone else in that place. Mostly I guess I’m embarrassed. Why would I want anyone to know how low I get?

    I think at this point its important to say that I’ve never tried to kill myself. Never even seriously considered it. Never self-harmed, although I have always wondered if it would make me feel better, even momentarily. I’ve gotten really low, I think both my parents have at various times been concerned I was going to kill myself, but I’m pretty sure I never would. I feel like I’ve been to really really dark places and Ive never been close to even trying so I can’t even imagine how bad things would have to be. I say this to give you confidence in me, and so that maybe you can take this next sentence in the context in which I intend it. When I am depressed, I do think of and find the idea of suicide oddly comforting, but only because it means that I have a choice, some semblance of control over my life. I may be completely miserable, but I know that I am choosing life, it is not forced upon me. That makes me feel a little better, but I wouldn’t expect you to understand that. I just don’t want you to be worried that Im going to hurt myself. I don’t think I ever will.

    I imagine this will sound contradictory, but I do want to be happy. At the same time I do also sometimes enjoy being sad. That’s not exactly right…when I’m sad I don’t enjoy anything, but in that state I am ok to stay there for awhile and just be alone. I’m always alone, but when I’m depressed it’s the only time I feel ok being alone. There’s no one to talk to anyways. My parents don’t understand me, they never have. They’ve never gotten that I truly am miserable, and have been for at least the last 10 years. Actually, I legitimately don’t remember a time in my life I was happy. But I don’t think they get that. My friends, well I don’t think I have good enough friends to deal with something like this. Maybe once or twice, but every time I get down? That’s a lot to ask of someone. My sister is probably the only person who really understands me like that because shes the same way, but lately shes been happy mostly and too busy for me but that’s ok I don’t want her to be like this, like me. The person who tried the longest was my ex girlfriend, my only girlfriend. God bless her, she tried for two years. She left me one day. She was nice enough to meet me for coffee after that to talk to me about why she left. “Eric, you’re just so depressed.” I don’t blame her for leaving. Which is why I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me.

    You know its weird, you meet someone for the first time that you like, you start developing feelings for them, but you don’t really know them. They’ve got the entirety of their lives behind them that you wouldn’t know about until you got to know them really really well. But in those first moments, weeks, and months, you hope this new person in your life will be what you’ve been looking for. And so, I want to apologize to you because the person you met all those years ago, I know I’m not nearly what you were hoping I would be. I’ve made it a priority in my life to be really good at first impressions, because I’m not so good at the second ones onward. I hope you don’t think I tricked you, trying to present myself as one thing when in reality I am a very broken and scared human being. I really did and do love you, and I thought you could make me better. I was so happy with you. I’ve never been that happy before. But I see now it would be selfish of me to be that happy if it meant making you miserable. I don’t want that and I don’t want to be that way either I just don’t think I can fix it myself.
    Anyways Im probably rambling but I thought maybe I could try and be open with you about this once and for all, if you didn’t know it all already what with your big smart brain and everything. I am feeling better now. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a good day. And hopefully this will be a good week. And hopefully February will be a good month. For both of us.

    I love you.

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