Tell me, where is my head? Where is my heart? What are my intentions as of now? I walk from place to place, home to home, cold to hot water, vibe to vibe. I’m not set anywhere. The sidewalks have my footprints in them from the time I’ve spent wandering them. My eyes have grown familiar to the cold air blowing in my face, I welcome it. I am so constantly a fire that cold air is beyond welcome.
Nobody’s ever born alone. They’re supposed to be held and to be loved. I wasn’t. It was wrong. The breath was backflipped out of me. She saw that I could be a maker, I could have everything she never got to.
Now here I am. I am nostalgic for chaos and pain. The chaotic style that I liked. Not this kind. I’m sure there will be a day where I feel nostalgic for days like these as well. But as of now, the fires only growing stronger. In the fire I have found the snow, the winter.
Regardless of season, the warmth in me stays. Is it from nothing other then the constant inferno that I am. I am a purgatory within myself. Explains why I am so drawn to water, there is a fire burning constantly inside of me that I am constantly trying to put out.
But it is one I have learned to be comfortable with. It burns what it needs to. As much as I fight to hold onto things. It knows when to burn it all up.
Underneath a fire streaked sky, a world with different taste. I crave adventure. A turn from the known road. And that’s where I’m heading, where I’ll always be heading. Chasing after what those before me couldn’t bring themselves to achieve. I crave abnormalcy. I crave chaos. I crave unfamiliar worlds, learning from everyone and everywhere I can.
I want to learn of new colors, create some of my own. I can’t do that in restraints and they have been broken from me. No one can take credit of that besides myself. As much as the waves forced this direction, one must first decide to stop fighting. To allow themselves to drift, to be directed.
Right now, my heart is content. My mind wanders back to places, I find myself taken suddenly back, flashes of light and dark and chaos and beauty. But I remind myself constantly, visiting is okay. A small dose of rethinking the past atrocities can be helpful, even if my mind forcefully takes me there. But a stay longer than necessary, and I could drown. The fire could mistake my own being as a threat and I myself could go up in flames.
But the worst of it all. Has been exorcised from me. A force of light has taken away so much of it. The scars remain, and there’s more to one day deal with, but I don’t need to continually roll in thorns that I already acknowledge exist. They don’t have to cut me as long as I admire the flowers.
I am learning. I am thriving. I still love the darkness. But a bubble of light has surrounded me, and it is protecting me.