• Is it your fault or mine

    by  • February 1, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Marriage • 0 Comments

    Marriage. I always swore my first would be my last. “I’ll marry someone I know I love and I know loves me” I would swear to myself late at night after hearing the blubbering mess my father was after my mother left. I wouldn’t become a weak minded girl who would be reduced to nothing by a man who said he loved me. My my, what a fool. I’ve gotten myself into something worse. It’s bittersweet. Without you I wouldn’t have our beautiful children. With you I won’t have happiness for longer than half a day. My late nights are spent questioning why you feel the need to hurt me with your words, why you won’t just stop. What kind of man will I encounter in the morning? Your good side who I happy till I voice my opinion? Or the one who starts the day off showing your true colors till I’m once again sobbing on the bed wondering why I let it go this far. There’s men out there who want me, despite what you tell me. I only know this because your sister reminds me I’m too good for you, and the men from my past beg me to leave you and take my children and be with them. I’m obviously not that much of a complete screw up then, now am I? One of those men, I know I’d be happy with. I was happy with. But I left him. Left him and came back to you for the sake of our daughter because you swore you’d changed. I didn’t want her having two separate homes like I did. But now I realize, she is going to hate you when she’s older. The way you talk to me, scream at me, she’s the one who comes and picks me up. How’s that right? You leave it to our child to make me happy. She will scream at you to shut up. Tell you to stop making me cry. Yet you continue with your insistent badgering. I’m a bad mom? Yes. I truly am. Because I’ve stayed this long and let her have to hear the disgusting things you say to me. That’s why I’m a bad mom. If I was as horrid as you say why does she run to me when she’s hurt or wants to play? Because she knows you won’t come through. God what have I let happen? Why did I marry you?? I know I don’t deserve this but I love you and that’s what kills me. How can you threaten to hit someone you love? How can you tell them you’ll pack their shit and throw them out the door? How can you call me cuss words and tell me I’m worthless??? YOU’RE worthless. I love you but dear god I hate you. I’m going to save up money. And I’m going to leave you the moment I get enough for first months rent and deposit. And I hope after that you find someone who can deal with your emotionally abusive bull crap because I can’t. Thank you for giving me my children. Other than that GO TO HELL.

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