• A lack of conviction

    by  • February 1, 2017 • To You • 5 Comments

    Its similar to the way the bright red and orange rays grasp at the grey sky trying so hard to let go
    Holding on as long as possible til the sun finally peaks over those rolling hills
    The way I wish that lightning bugs would charge up using bug zappers because that would make sense
    That fucking mosquito bump that wont go away getting worse with each and every scratch
    Or that unnecessary fear I immediately feel at the sight of someone who slightly resembles you
    When a new employee manages to intice a smell I thought long forgot
    That mechanical misfire my brain goes through where one single thought is impossible
    How I feel so insignificantly small, how I feel I don’t belong in the same state as you for the things I did without even laying a finger on you
    That time when I wanted anything and didnt care what I told the same story twice
    How I beat the shit out of myself mentally and couldn’t stop because of the things I thought we’re true
    Which lead to the nagging thought of only speaking when spoken to because that’s how I saw myself
    An absolutely certainty that whatever it’d be wouldn’t even work
    The way that I’m scared to even post this out of fear of discovery
    There’s that jumping to conclusions thing again
    What would I even say?
    I know i’d like to at least change the way you look at me from hearsay
    A lot of negativity seems to come with cutting multitudes of people out of your life
    It’s almost like I don’t want this feeling to stop. my own personal hell that I feel so deserving of
    For what I honestly couldn’t tell you but I’ve gotten so used to it that I don’t know where else to go with it
    How do I face a ghost that I created so fucking long ago
    I’m not naive enough to believe I played less than the leading role in this
    But I really did love(d) you and if there’s anything you taught me it’s
    I’d rather be alone then experience anything less than what I felt with you
    Which I haven’t come remotely close to
    It’s a far better feeling to be stuck by yourself then with someone else
    I used to be so impatient and now it seems like I’ve got nothing but pride and time
    I really want to let this go but like that fucking mosquito bite..
    But maybe just maybe I should’ve left it at i’ll live

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    5 Responses to A lack of conviction

    1. $$
      February 1, 2017 at 8:49 pm



    2. Colorblind
      February 2, 2017 at 1:53 am

      Love your writings .. they are awesome or may be they have those magical words that bring back what I felt around him. I miss him dearly but what would I say if I do happen to meet. You rock my world but colours are forbidden for me as I am sentenced to live in deepest n darkest of grey.


    3. K
      February 5, 2017 at 4:02 am

      I have had to let go of being sorry in order to survive.


      • Nobody
        February 7, 2017 at 11:08 am

        I can relay to the author and to your reply equally.
        It still
        just to let myself feel – so I try not to but it’s hard
        oh so hard when his face is everywhere and I have no way to escape
        I wish him nothing but happiness yet can’t help
        like a tune on autoreplay..
        does he know? does he realize? does he remotely care of how much..
        how much he hurt me when he pushed me away?
        does he think of me sometimes? if so how?
        with pity? with remorse? longing like I still and after all, long for him?
        how, someone please tell me how can a bond like ours just have been imaginary?
        not important enough to hold on to?
        Shit, I thought again but stop now
        Best wishes to all


        • Twin
          February 15, 2017 at 4:35 pm

          I’ll always care- forevermore.



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