Yes, you! You know exactly who you are. You who constantly give me conflicting emotions. You who, as I’m writing this letter right now, is still screwing up my mind about where to go, how to get there, and if I even have a point to begin with.
You really screwed me up bad.
When I met you, I thought you were either “it” or you were going to be a lesson learned. Either way, I knew you were going to do something “big”. You were going to be a landmark in my life. Monumental. I prayed and hoped it would end well, but that was the wishful, hopeful side of me talking. The logical side knew that we don’t really find “the one” at the age of eighteen in reality. The logical side hoped that, if you were going to be a lesson learned, it wouldn’t hurt that much. Teach me in a merciful way, please.
But then again, do people ever learn – I mean, really learn – the easy way?
And now I’m sitting at my desk in my room at 11:36am on a Friday, a dishevelled mess among the chaos of my 18th birthday presents with a slight headache and a nervous, broken heart. I’m starting to question whether or not it was worth it all, for you whom I just met literally a month ago. Do I even have the right to be broken hearten when we were never really together? I need closure, but do I have the right to demand for one when we were never really together? You hurt me, and I want to scream at you and yell at you and demand for answers, but do I really have the right to if we were never really together?
I want to know, though. Which part of it was real and which part of it wasn’t? Where did your sweet words end and where did the sincerity start? Was there any sincerity on your part to begin with, or was it all a lie? Am I the only one clinging to those instances when I wholeheartedly believed it wasn’t all just a sick game for you to cure you of your boredom?
It happens, I tell them. I’m okay. This will only make me stronger. It’s better to experience this now than later on, anyways.
You see, I’m a very sure person. I’m sure you know that; you spent two weeks analysing me without my knowledge and you were spot on. I still remember the exact words you told me when I and refused you that first kiss. You’re a control freak, you said. You like everything done your way, the way everyone else does it. Before you go to bed at night, you already know which pants you’re going to wear for the next morning and if you don’t wear them you get pissy because it’s not according to your plans. It’s like you have a kindergarten puzzle in front of you and you’re trying to solve it like a year 12 exam.
I was speechless. You rendered me speechless.
How could someone like you know me so well in that short amount of time? But now it kind of makes sense. It’s because you didn’t have the time. While I was taking my time getting to know you, thinking we had all the time in the world, your time was ticking and you literally needed to get what you could out of me and end it swiftly. I feel used, betrayed, and lied to. I’d go from not caring and thinking I’m okay, to pretending I’m fine, to crying, whining and complaining about what an asshole you were to those close to me. It’s a vicious cycle that will never end until the ellipses becomes a full stop.
Because that’s what you are in my life right now – an ellipses.
An ellipses promises something more; a story cut short but not quite the end yet. I’m asking for a full stop. A full stop is an ending; I can finally let go, be free and move on.
You turned a sure person into an unsure one.
You turned my values around, my morals, my priorities. You made me question the way I was living my life and made me forget the values and beliefs I held dear. In a way it’s good. You opened up a side to me I never knew existed. I learned how to compromise, that I’m actually not as invincible as I thought I was, and that I can’t possibly have everything in this world. But you also made my world revolve around you. Suddenly, I just didn’t have the energy for life; the excitement. School, which was my main priority, became secondary. This scares me. This is my last year in high school. I worked incredibly hard for the last 12 years of my life and I am not about to throw my future away for someone who threw me away and discarded me once I was no longer of use.
So this is the end for me – my feelings for you, I mean. I can’t wallow in self-pity and keep questioning my worth any longer. I’m determined to live a happy life (and I mean genuinely happy; not the façade happiness that you’re forcing yourself with her right now). I’ll work on myself; shut my heart tighter than before so it’s stronger and more secure and only those worthy enough can take it again. I’ll find someone better than you, something amazing and real unlike what we had. He’ll make me question why I was ever broken enough over someone like you to write this letter when he was there waiting to meet me all this time. He’ll find me beautiful and sexy at a 360? angle Snapchat derp at 50kgs, and it won’t matter if it’s 3am in the morning or 2pm in the afternoon, he’ll be there for me when I need him. And most of all, he’ll be loyal and faithful, and he will make me feel safe and secure.
And for you? I will be your biggest “what if”, gnawing at the back of your mind. I will be one of those regrets haunting you in the middle of the night when you’re exhausted with routine and playing it safe. Whenever you’d hear my name or come across something that reminds you of me, you’ll want me so bad that you’d kick yourself for not taking a chance and screwing up what could’ve been something great.
And by that time, I’d be able to walk pass you, look you straight in the eye and smile, because there’d be no more ellipses, and you won’t be my “what if”.
The girl you were too afraid to get to know