• Notes From A Tired Screw-Up

    by  • January 29, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 9 Comments

    I’m a coward:
    I don’t stop people who cut ahead of me in line.
    I’m a liar:
    I thought it would be worth it, not to lose you.

    It goes like this:

    I don’t care if you go out with other people.
    I don’t need a label, or to meet your friends and family.
    I don’t need to feel secure.
    I don’t need you to tell you that you love me.
    I don’t need you to love me.
    And I don’t want you to fight for me, more than anything.

    I don’t love the way your hair sticks up in the back.
    I don’t notice the freckles behind your ears as if they’re constellations in my own private sky.
    I never felt moments when I could have sworn that we were parts of the same soul.
    I never had butterflies in my stomach whenever I kissed you.
    Never had a burning desire to protect you, keep you, cherish you, to the exclusion of nearly everything else.
    Never forgot how to breathe when you were near.
    Or when you were far.

    I don’t feel a constant, crushing weight on me.
    I don’t care if you ever change.
    I don’t want to see you.
    And I don’t want to be with you.

    Forever.

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    9 Responses to Notes From A Tired Screw-Up

    1. @Author
      January 29, 2017 at 2:31 pm

      Thanks for sharing. Wish someone wrote a poem like that for me.




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    2. K
      January 30, 2017 at 12:36 am

      Well it’s all over now, I don’t even know or remember what we we fighting about or for. I wish you’d turn around, damaged as it is, I wish you’d tell me, me, what and why it ended this way, and how we could fix it, but you won’t. I do t think you even know. It’s too messy, toxic, destructive, I miss you, who you were before, before before before




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    3. @author Why?
      January 30, 2017 at 2:27 am

      So why do you let her think you do?




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      • me
        February 3, 2017 at 6:59 pm

        I mean, those are a list of all of the things I say when I’m lying. That person doesn’t want to know the truth. That person doesn’t want to know that they are everything.




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        • KC
          February 7, 2017 at 10:43 pm

          I do 🙁




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    4. KC
      February 5, 2017 at 5:32 am

      I reread this. Hard to believe it’s you. Hard to believe it’s not you. There is so much in your post that is specific to our…we never knew what to call it did we?

      If only you’d hold the white flag…

      There’s nothing I can do. I feel safe to write here but that’s all. I have peddled more than enough of anyone’s fair share of words onto someone who doesn’t want them. Sorry words, confused words, hurt words, angry words, desperate words and petty words. Words to understand and that which I still don’t. Words to explain all that you’ll never validate.

      It took me so long to accept just how stubborn you are. You’d already made up your mind about me and my intentions. You’d already stopped believing in me, in us, as if you never did.

      IF only you made some gesture, that’s all it would take for me to want to invest enough effort to at the very least know if you ever were, are still the man I thought I’d come to know over the last decade, and…if that were so…then…

      I’d have you, I would at some point tell you to your face that you were, that you are, that you always will be the love of my life. I’d make certain you knew that you were always the one, I’d tell you that I’m sorry, so so sorry for hurting you and then I’d wait for your next move…

      I think you believe you know what we could have been, and I also think you’re wrong, we never had the right foundation to know. And this time, now alls been revealed you’ve clung onto your horrible ideas about me, about us, and you won’t give me the chance. I know. It’s okay.

      I write this response believing you are the person that I thought you were, before everything turned ugly…




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      • KC
        February 5, 2017 at 8:29 am

        “I’d have you” is a typo, meant to say “I’d have told you”

        I want to say, also, I know I was horrible, abhorrent, but so were you. If I could forgive things you said and did, then why I was I not forgiven also? If it was over then what need did you have to hold onto such hate?

        I used to cry thinking how you believed (or wanted me to believe) that I only ever set out to hurt you. That’s not true. I wanted to be sweet with you, I wanted to make you happy, I wanted us to be happy. I got hurt too.

        Of all the hideous things you so righteously said and did to hurt me, your believing that I actually deserved such nastiness was the worst of all the lashings. To know what you must have thought of me when I was pouring my sorrowful heart out to you tore shreds off me.

        And in that hurt, I lashed out too. I don’t like who I became, I don’t like who you became, I just every now and then sort of hope against odds that you could still see what I can see…if who I thought you were really is who you are.

        After everything it’s pretty hard to know what’s an act or game anymore… sometimes I think maybe you set out to hurt me too? if you did, then… You’re not who I thought you were. It’s possible.

        If you are who I thought you were And i did hurt you then I am sorry. So so so sorry. I wish you were too.




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    5. Dark Angel
      February 6, 2017 at 1:50 pm

      You are a coward- too afraid of being alone that you used someone into thinking that you cared about them? Unfortunately, I know someone like this and all he ended up with is zero integrity and is ultimately alone, in his own private hell. He lies to everyone. All of his friends admit it. Not only is it selfish, it’s pathetic and disgusting.

      She’s better off without you….

      Dark Angel




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      • me
        February 10, 2017 at 2:21 pm

        I think you misunderstood my post. When I said I was a liar, I meant that all of those things I said are lies. I do care about all of those things. I do feel all of those things. But my person doesn’t want to hear it. My person doesn’t want me to love them. My person doesn’t love me.




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