It’s been hard. I can’t really lie. As much as I’ve detoxed, as much as I’ve tried to erase you, your presence continues to cause me problems. I’ve come a long way, I’ve been told, and I feel that, but you can still hurt me. You’ve always known how to manipulate my state of mind to a very low point, and tonight you attacked once again. It was your comments to her that should’ve mattered more. And it did, because I am no selfish person, but I felt the pain in me.
This whole time, I’ve been so tempted to just wither. To just stop and let go, be weak for awhile. Because this time frame of needing to be strong is overwhelming me. I hate the up in the air vibes of everything, I can’t stand not having my own space as of now.
But now, after a couple days of feeling okay, you have gotten to me. Your words should no longer affect me. But they did. And I want nothing more then to shed a layer, any skin that was ever touched by you. I want it gone. I guess you could say I have a desire to lose weight, there isn’t much to me to begin with. I don’t want to hurt myself. But I want to lose the weight of you.
And I fear for the ride that my mind is taking me on.
It reminds me of home
It reminds me of comfort
It reminds me of days lost to the past
Days that’ll never happen again
For the better and for the worst
I opened a bottle and heard the fizz, it was a sudden rush of memories, days that I used to think were good. But now looking back I see just how bad they were. I couldn’t be myself. No one could. You were constantly afraid of spilling over the fragile drinks in everyone’s hands, constantly unsure of whether one word would make it all go flat. It became a game of who can hold their overflowing glass the longest without some spilling out.
Whats happening now is a gift. A gift and I could not be more grateful. But the price is high. It’s a huge sacrifice, one that is paying off.