Let’s call this my test. Let’s just say that hypothetically I (married female) came to you (single male) with this… How would you react?
When I met you, I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t searching for anything. But our eyes met, and then my world flipped upside down. I didn’t even know I was disheartened with love. I didn’t even know that my heart had grown cold. I had no idea that I felt… Nothing. Dead inside.
Suddenly lightning struck. The waters shimmered again under moonlight. The birds sang, instead of just chirping. The clouds flowed across the sky, inlu of lingering. Colors were brighter. I began to sing again. I began to feel again, and slowly I began to love again and remember compassion and forgiveness and kindness and passion and excitement and fun and sarcasm and smiles and well you get the idea.
When our skin met, I felt shockwaves. I never believed in that before. I thought it was all fairy tales. Vibrations seemed to resonate through my body and down my spine. It was as if a fire was lit inside the cold embers of my heart. And your presence was the breath I needed to fuel that fire, burning down the protective walls I had built from the inside out. Connection without speaking.
Who was this stranger that had been so close, yet so out of reach for most of my life? Every path seemed to have lead to you, but we were too distracted before to see it. And now it seems too late. I have obligations. Three of them. Three lives that depend on me for their very existence. Two of them are my legacy. The other is one who promised commitment to me long ago.
You. You, who makes my heart throb… You, who makes my world spin… You, who reminds me of the me I was born to be…My Heathcliffe, you can not give me what he has. You can not promise devotion. Or fidelity. Or monogamy. You can not offer stability. You can’t even provide a painless, drama free love.
But you make me burn. You give me incentive to keep pushing forward. You make me want to be better. You challenge me and excite my soul. You make the fire inside dance, as if it were flickering in a whispering wind. You make me feel again. You make me feel safe, and that is scariest of all. I know you will let me down. I can’t handle that. I don’t think I could survive such a blow.
So perhaps this tormented arrangement is better. At least this way, you can’t let me down. You can’t and shouldn’t make promises to a woman who is set in her own path so much that she refused to walk away from it, and I can’t ask that of you. I only wish to make you a part of my path. Somehow. I want you to be happy. Satisfied. A huge part of me wishes you would insert here that all that will satisfy you is to have me solely as yours, but that would only further complicate things. Besides, it’s not like I am your first. I doubt I’ll be your last.
You have warned me with statements like “I’m not good at relationships.” Or “I get em hooked and wall away.” Or “I get bored easily.” So why won’t my heart listen? Oh. I remember why. Because you made me believe you cared.
Wait. You do care. You care for me like a sister, right? Then you stare at me or tell me that you’ll always be waiting to sweep me off my feet or do such sweet things or text me randomly when my soul is crying out for you, as if you heard.
Tell me it isn’t genuine. Tell me you don’t love me in that way. Tell me you are in love with me. Tell me something.
The more I write, the angrier I get. Please stop jerking me around. Stop leading me on. I don’t understand. I thought we had such a connection. I feel your love, but I don’t see it with my eyes, since you avoid eye contact or hear it with my ears, since you don’t open up. I feel it through your actions, but how am I to take this? Tell me.
Oh and my husband… Remember him? Yeah. I can’t trust him. I don’t even know him anymore. We don’t talk. We sit. He watches TV. I write to you and about you. We rarely touch unless you are around, so I guess he feels threatened. We sleep on separate couches, because our bed is piled high with his work mess that he refuses to move. Has been for months. When I am at work during the day, it’s up to me to Text him and let him know I’m thinking of him. It’s up to me to wash clothes, if I want myself or my kids to wear clean clothes. Most nights, I end up washing my own plate and heating up my own dinner. When you or anyone else comes over, it’s up to me to clean up first. I am the one working. Not him. So thanks for the love you’ve shown, because I have needed it. But maybe it’s better if you do stay away. I need to get my head on straight without the distraction of you.
I’m starting to think that you awakened my heart for him, because you believed he loves me. Rude awakening the other day when you watched him punch my pantry door because I told him I wasn’t happy with how he’d been talking to me that morning. You saw first hand just why I blocked my heart, huh? I just over the years built a strong and sturdy wall. I never expected you.
I love you. But I am hurting. This causes struggles. Please understand. He needs me, but I want you. I just can’t be sure what you want, as of now. Please let me know. Somehow.