• I’m going insane.

    by  • January 26, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 2 Comments

    Let’s call this my test. Let’s just say that hypothetically I (married female) came to you (single male) with this… How would you react?

    When I met you, I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t searching for anything. But our eyes met, and then my world flipped upside down. I didn’t even know I was disheartened with love. I didn’t even know that my heart had grown cold. I had no idea that I felt… Nothing. Dead inside.

    Suddenly lightning struck. The waters shimmered again under moonlight. The birds sang, instead of just chirping. The clouds flowed across the sky, inlu of lingering. Colors were brighter. I began to sing again. I began to feel again, and slowly I began to love again and remember compassion and forgiveness and kindness and passion and excitement and fun and sarcasm and smiles and well you get the idea.

    When our skin met, I felt shockwaves. I never believed in that before. I thought it was all fairy tales. Vibrations seemed to resonate through my body and down my spine. It was as if a fire was lit inside the cold embers of my heart. And your presence was the breath I needed to fuel that fire, burning down the protective walls I had built from the inside out. Connection without speaking.

    Who was this stranger that had been so close, yet so out of reach for most of my life? Every path seemed to have lead to you, but we were too distracted before to see it. And now it seems too late. I have obligations. Three of them. Three lives that depend on me for their very existence. Two of them are my legacy. The other is one who promised commitment to me long ago.

    You. You, who makes my heart throb… You, who makes my world spin… You, who reminds me of the me I was born to be…My Heathcliffe, you can not give me what he has. You can not promise devotion. Or fidelity. Or monogamy. You can not offer stability. You can’t even provide a painless, drama free love.

    But you make me burn. You give me incentive to keep pushing forward. You make me want to be better. You challenge me and excite my soul. You make the fire inside dance, as if it were flickering in a whispering wind. You make me feel again. You make me feel safe, and that is scariest of all. I know you will let me down. I can’t handle that. I don’t think I could survive such a blow.

    So perhaps this tormented arrangement is better. At least this way, you can’t let me down. You can’t and shouldn’t make promises to a woman who is set in her own path so much that she refused to walk away from it, and I can’t ask that of you. I only wish to make you a part of my path. Somehow. I want you to be happy. Satisfied. A huge part of me wishes you would insert here that all that will satisfy you is to have me solely as yours, but that would only further complicate things. Besides, it’s not like I am your first. I doubt I’ll be your last.

    You have warned me with statements like “I’m not good at relationships.” Or “I get em hooked and wall away.” Or “I get bored easily.” So why won’t my heart listen? Oh. I remember why. Because you made me believe you cared.

    Wait. You do care. You care for me like a sister, right? Then you stare at me or tell me that you’ll always be waiting to sweep me off my feet or do such sweet things or text me randomly when my soul is crying out for you, as if you heard.

    Tell me it isn’t genuine. Tell me you don’t love me in that way. Tell me you are in love with me. Tell me something.

    The more I write, the angrier I get. Please stop jerking me around. Stop leading me on. I don’t understand. I thought we had such a connection. I feel your love, but I don’t see it with my eyes, since you avoid eye contact or hear it with my ears, since you don’t open up. I feel it through your actions, but how am I to take this? Tell me.

    Oh and my husband… Remember him? Yeah. I can’t trust him. I don’t even know him anymore. We don’t talk. We sit. He watches TV. I write to you and about you. We rarely touch unless you are around, so I guess he feels threatened. We sleep on separate couches, because our bed is piled high with his work mess that he refuses to move. Has been for months. When I am at work during the day, it’s up to me to Text him and let him know I’m thinking of him. It’s up to me to wash clothes, if I want myself or my kids to wear clean clothes. Most nights, I end up washing my own plate and heating up my own dinner. When you or anyone else comes over, it’s up to me to clean up first. I am the one working. Not him. So thanks for the love you’ve shown, because I have needed it. But maybe it’s better if you do stay away. I need to get my head on straight without the distraction of you.

    I’m starting to think that you awakened my heart for him, because you believed he loves me. Rude awakening the other day when you watched him punch my pantry door because I told him I wasn’t happy with how he’d been talking to me that morning. You saw first hand just why I blocked my heart, huh? I just over the years built a strong and sturdy wall. I never expected you.

    I love you. But I am hurting. This causes struggles. Please understand. He needs me, but I want you. I just can’t be sure what you want, as of now. Please let me know. Somehow.

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    2 Responses to I’m going insane.

    1. Don't cheat.
      January 27, 2017 at 2:03 am

      This situation is all kinds of fucked up. You are looking for somebody outside of yourself to make you happy and you believe it’s called ‘love’… New Flash – he’s told you EXACTLY who he is – arseholes always warn you they are arseholes – but women never listen “i get bored easily’, “I make them fall in love then walk away’…. LISTEN TO HIM, idiot woman. He is not the answer to your boring comfortable marriage in which you’ve become just another piece of furniture to an ungrateful man child. You, my dear, are jumping from the frypan into the fire and YOU are the one who will end up with egg on her face and called a lying, despicable cheater. Is that what you want? Get some self respect about you and stop looking towards men to save you from your dismal life. Divorce, make yourself a life, live on your own and work on yourself and ONLY then will you attract a mate who will be worth it. A man who will sleep with a married woman is showing you exactly what his personal code of ethics is. Believe that. Anybody who would sleep with you right now is a gigantic douchebag because you are married. No man of substance would touch you with a barge pole.

      Leave you damn useless husband – but not for a gigantic douchebag – but to be a woman of substance and honour. One who made a life for herself and never needed a mans love to be a secure, honourable happy woman. Jeez.


      • Grace
        February 2, 2017 at 2:49 am

        ???? So true .. every word of what u say makes sense.. exact words “I get bored too easily” .. “I make em fall n leave as soon as excitement of winning ends” fucking arseholes .. all very true, we just don’t realise but we were just another feather in his cap. Men who would treat you well don’t have that charm n those who have charm don’t treat us well ..


    2. Grace
      January 30, 2017 at 4:09 am

      ???? oh I hear u sister n it totally makes me feel like I might have stumbled upon my twin .. good luck


    3. Author
      February 1, 2017 at 2:51 pm

      @ don’t cheat. Thanks. I know I put myself out there with this, and deserve all the criticism I may get. I use this website as an outlet for my conflicting feelings, because I am alone in this struggle and have to have somewhere to dump this mess. At least here, I don’t hurt the people I love. I am the only one hurting and alone in it and in a way, I find it sorta beautiful that I am that strong… Anyway, a part of me feels you’re right. But you seem sorta bitter about men in general. So perhaps you shouldn’t let your anger get the best of you. Perhaps you should let go of your judgements of others and maybe focus more on lifting others up, relating to what you can, and advise diplomatically. But it’s your essence to do what you will with. Well, thank you for your advice. —Btw I am no idiot. My heart may be, but only because it wants to feel loved again so desperately that it is blind. But my mind always wins, because my heart is also frightened of love. So, do not worry, Bitter Heart. Somehow in the end, I know it will all work out the way it was meant to… Whatever way that my be.

      @Grace, good to know I’m not completely alone in this. Something comforting about knowing others have been there too. Thank you for reminding me that I am not as alone as I may feel.



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