I remember the way you looked at me the first time you ever saw me. Really looked at me. You seemed confused and weirded out. Bewilderment mixed with curiosity. You kept trying, but I had such a high wall up that you couldn’t get through. I enjoyed that night, but you would probably never guess that.
I remember the first time you said those words. You were leaving my house, peeked out the door to make sure no one would hear, and then you turned to me. One foot pointed, almost as if you were about to take a step in my direction, your head bowed as your eyes narrowed on me. You stated the words very solidly. “I love you.”
I have no idea what my face showed, but I reacted with amazement, I know. I still wasn’t comfortable with that phrase, so I awkwardly blurted out, “Well, we love you too!” With a smile and open arms, I took your embrace and felt so high for days afterwards as I struggled to figure out the deeper meaning in your words.
Fast forward six months. Fast forward to the night I remember telling you those words first, before you had a chance. Fast forward to when I meant to say, “I’m in love with you”, but I couldn’t because it wasn’t proper timing.
The night you got the call. You called me. You didn’t call anyone for help. You called me. I came running. We struggled through some unsure moments for about an hour. Then you got the call at the same moment I read it on social media. Your words on that phone were, “Are you fing kidding me?” I knew in that moment. I knew that you needed me. You hung up and dropped to your knees just as I began to run for you across your yard. You knelt there, in the grass. I wrapped you in my arms. I told you that I was so sorry. I told you that I love you. In that moment I was finally sure.
Why? I don’t know. I guess maybe it took loss to make me appreciate the energy you bring into my life. I don’t want to lose that. I’d be devastated. At least now this way you know that I do love you too. But one question remains?
Why can’t I remember moments like this about my time with him?