Love is innocent, love is naive.
I didn’t think I was naive or innocent.
I was afraid. I didn’t and don’t know why I was afraid, I don’t understand all of my feelings. Whatever it was the fear was great and so was the love.
When I fell in love accidentally unknowingly over years, when I fell in love with the love I had for you, a love I didn’t expect, I let myself give into it.
Trust was not an issue when I was living in a fantasy world. I thought to you it was just sex and that in that, I could have my feelings and my fantasies. I let myself believe I couldn’t get hurt, because I knew what I was getting myself into, I knew you weren’t going to take it further or something like that.
But then, It all changed. I thought you pushed for more, and the fear took over. You became cold and cruel, hot and cold, I couldn’t go forward and it seemed like you were being cruel to me because you weren’t getting what you wanted…(?)…after all these years???
And then it got messy, and then you ended it or I ended it, I don’t know who ended it anymore because now I look back you approached me with an issue that upset you, and I didn’t validate thy issue. I couldn’t. Your approach was agressive and I reacted defensively, an here we are, more like here we aren’t, a year later, nearly anyway.
But I still remember those weeks after, that conversation where you asked me how I could pretend to be so innocent, you asked me how I could pretend to be so naive when I asked if you legitimately did care about what happened between us, when I was trying to understand how communication could lead to a place so wrong, if it had.
It’s not something one can easily get over. Your answering my question with an attack on what was my feelings of love for you that grew over a decade. Well… You took months after that to speak with me , there I was, still wanting my answer after being so hurt, knowing it was right to move on, but still so desperate to understand how and why you could have been so cruel to me and when you spoke to me your answer was we just go around in circles and whatever.
So yes, after some time of trying to understand and the struggle I went through you couldn’t show me the decency of a clear answer. You dismissed me as if it was nothing, and just like that, all your pressure and resentment for what seemed to be your reaction to my not giving into your want, seemed a lie. I spent months confused and worried for you and your feelings, I spent months hurt, humiliated and questioning myself and my right to be naive in love.
So yes I got nasty.
Okay. But then months later you tell me that you did care that we both did, and I tell you much of what I struggled with and held in for a decade and we seem to agree to try to salvage what’s left.
But then, within days you find fault in my actions, discard of me and then hit me back with blaming those messages (that you considered nasty) that were really just my trying to work out what had happened. Don’t get me wrong. I was angry. Furious, and that may have found its way into messages but at that point communication was not at all made with intention to hurt you.
Then I make the attempt to clean some of the things you know about out of my life, so that I could be a bit more together and see what happens then, but I get terribly sick and then before we even get to seeing each other you are absolutely horrid to me and then discard of me.
The things you have said to me since, the words I have used in messages, well, it’s all become more toxic than I could ever have imagined, but really my intention right from the day it ended was to understand, repair or close with grace, peace and respect. Only thing is the things you said to me from Octover till now. On top of everything else were so bad that I eventually did want to hurt you back and I said a lot of nasty things.
Because I dot know if you’re some psycho who only ever meant to hurt me, I don’t know if u fucked with my head and heart for shits and giggles. You say you’re hurt but that you don’t trust me to tell me what it is I did in the first place to hurt you.
I spent so much time and energy in my pursuit to understand. It’s never going to make sense to me, and I have to live with that and move on now.
I know I will move on, I don’t know how because I don’t understand what it as between us, I also don’t know who you are anymore, I don’t know anything, so it’s a bit harder. I’ll do it somehow though.
I guess the last thing I want to communicate to you (which I won’t) is the gravity with which your accusations of my pretending to be innocent and so on hurt me.
I’m just a human, I fell in love, and I just did the best I could. It was a pretty shitty thing to say.
You say you did care, but how could you let things end like this is you did? How could you hit me as you have if you did care about me, this is. And if u didn’t care why didn’t you just accept my feelings are my own, that I had them without expecting, an that all I needed from you, who didn’t care, at that point was for you to end things nicely.
This isn’t so much a letter I’ll never send as it is myself writing it down for me, trying to understand. The thoughts are all jumbled.
I still to this day, don’t understand what it was, why he didn’t just leave it without drama if it was not to important to him, I don’t understand why he pushed on me for something he didn’t want? I don’t understand why we agreed to these windows in which we were just having sex if we both had feelings deeper than. I know the feelings I had but in all honesty, for as much as it hurt believing you didn’t want me(!) I grew to love it for what it was.
If I’m the only one who felt this, and you knew that because I told you months before you started pushing on me, then why didn’t you just end it nicely with respect for my heart?
I don’t even know who you are anymore, and I know it doesn’t matter in the sense that you’re gone, it’s over, and we will never speak again but I can’t move forward without knowing what the hell happened? Why were you so nasty? Readers are my answers in here and I’m not picking them up?
He has been horrible. Truly. I just don’t thing it needed to end so messy, so confusing, with no clarity.
It’s bizarre. I destroyed me for nearly a year, this ending. I didn’t mind it ending, I didn’t want it to but it wasn’t so hard to accept that, it was the accepting it ending with no clue of what the fuck just happened. I don’t know if the greatest love I ever felt for another human being was for a horrible human being who only revealed his true nature to me in the end? I don’t know if the greatest love I ever felt for another human being was for someone who loved me also, and the both of us just fucked up?
He apparently doesn’t trust me to tell me much more about how or why, in what way, what it was that I did that hurt him so, but maybe he is just lying, perhaps nothing hurt him at all and he was just done with me and decided to end things in a very cruel manner.
I haven’t listed all the horrible things he did and said, but it was all very extreme. I don’t know. I just don’t understand.