• KC to (I don’t know what to call you anymore)

    by  • January 20, 2017 • To You • 0 Comments

    Well thanks to your message, I know see that you are willing to take your relentless hate parade against me to whole other level, if I let you. Who knows maybe you’ll just act on the threat anyway.

    I see now, and it took me some time, you didn’t treat me like shit because I hurt you, your actions against me didn’t come from a place of hurt I created, not initially anyway, you wanted to discard of me in the nastiest, most confusing, most shock and gut wrenching way you felt possible because YOU only ever wanted to hurt me.

    You play victim so well but how many times did I ask for forgiveness when I didn’t know what I was asking it for? How many times did I find new things to apologise for? How many times did I ask to understand? How many times did I blame myself? Too many.

    I was always willing to let you go, just like I did every time you breezed in and out of my life over the last decade, but this time was different, this time you turned the tables, you made out like everything you had done to me is what I did to you! You can blame me for your behaviour, just like I did for so long now in and out of various intervals but really, you were just as cruel from the beginning of the end till the end of the end.

    I have been called everything, blamed for everything, everything is my fault, but then there’s never been a clear explanation to help me to understand that, you deflect with name calling, with screaming, with saying hideous things, crying victim.

    And now I see all those times we wer close, all those times I was vulnerable, everything I ever opened up to you over the years like I had no one else you were collecting over time until you eventually had enough information to use against me when you finally wipe me out.

    Well that’s it. You won’t hear from me again, and that I can guarantee, I can see where this is going, you see no reason, you treated me like shit and blamed me for my reactions. You failed to acknowledge those actions of your own that let to my reactions. There’s no sense here. I was called many names, amongst them narcissist. But now I fear, that in my search for reason understanding truth validation, a nicer ending that I have only succeeded against my intentions to find that I have “messed with” a very dangerous man.

    It’s like the end of the movie with a twist that changes the foundation of the entire story passed, it’s the critical factor that went unseen. And just like a video playback, there are moments grabs, were certain thing you said or did that meant one thing at the time, in context I see meant something else entirely. Those moments show me you were always with intention to navigate this all, the whole thing to the place it is now, to the place you want it to go next.

    I am afraid of you. I see it for what it is now and it frightens me. Youll not hear from me again, I have nothing to say, you relish in my hurt, you abuse my apologies, you refuse to tell me whatever it was that hurt you and if I don’t RUN like I should have, like I am now, perhaps too late, you will have everything you need to destroy me.

    I’m scared for you to know that after all of this, in the lowest of if, I can feel my strength. I can come back from the dead, it’s going to take a while but I want to move past this, now I see you for what you are I can feel my strength coming back, only parts of it, but it’s enough to survive, if only you’d just let me.

    You believe this is the way things end, i know that’s not me, it’s you.

    I am sorry I ever loved you because all it got me is abuse, I’m more sorry for me than I am for you. I’m not sorry for you, seeing it for what it is the only thing I’m sorry for is not seeing who u r sooner.

    The times we tried to salvage this year, you were just inching in to hurt me again and you did.

    It’s not okay but it is. This nearly killed me, now just find another victim and let me move on okay?

    It’s over.

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