• I messed up

    by  • January 20, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Regret • 0 Comments

    L,

    I messed up. I messed up so much. I allowed my depression and anxiety to ruin the relationship we had. When the relationship was over I still was so torn and hurt you even more. I have never hurt you physically, but I know the burden of emotional pain. All the lies, hiding my true emotions from you. It was so hard. You knew that I loved you, I just never knew how to show it. I grew up with very tough skinned people. It wasn’t until you that I actually knew what love was, and i never really knew how to understand it. I love you and A even though you will probably never forgive me. I understand. I am learning to forgive myself and let go of what we had. Its not helpful to dwell anymore. It just induces more pain. I will never forget about you and the good times we had. I just still cant believe i ruined one of the most beautiful things in my life. You used to tell me you loved me, we planned our future, now we cant even look at or talk to each other. Everyone makes mistakes. I have never made mistakes this bad in my life.

    I want you to know that this will always be a learning lesson for me. I will finally allow myself to open up my heart and be honest with my feelings with a partner. You taught me that revenge is the worst option possible. With our situation i will have to learn to finally let go. It is never easy, but now its something i have to do. Today my uncle died, the anniversary of my grandfather’s death. I want to talk to you about it, but now I have nobody to do that with. We had gotten so close, now we are so far apart. I cry as I write this, but I don’t expect any pity. From anyone. I brought this upon myself. I refused counseling, I refused medication, I refused to accept the truth and reality of things around me. I have finally learned to accept that. Or i still might be. It is all a learning process. I also learned that I can be manipulative. So many flaws that I have learned. I found all these things out the wrong way. I hurt you. I hopefully didnt scar you forever. I have always loved you. I never want you to feel like all those years were thrown away. I want you to take it as a learning lesson. I hope you find the person you want and the person you need. I know I said it before to appease you, but this time I actually mean it. I always thought i was perfect for you, but my actions have shown that I have alot of self improvement that I need to take care of.

    I am working on myself. One day at a time. It is so sad that I have to post this anonymously and that you will never receive this. In my mind I may always look like a remorseless, vindictive, mentally ill fool. Thats what I last showed you. If there was an hourglass representing our relationship, those times would only be mere grains. I want you to see this so bad, but it may never see the light of day. I will have to live with this forever. I hope both of us recover. I hope this makes us better in our now separate walks of life. I hope we can talk in 10 years or so and I can give you all of your photos back. I’ve put everything away. It hurts to look at. I haven’t deleted or burned anything but it is all away. I hope you haven’t destroyed our memories, but if you did I will never know. Someday I believe we will reunite somehow and will be able to be amicable with one another. Till that day I mourn the best relationship that I have ever had.

    I’ve said love you too many times for the understanding to still stick,
    I’ve apologized too many times for it to mean anything,
    I’ve spent so much time that I want you to know that this is real. Real feelings, real sincerity.

    Sincerely
    A… or D

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