I think the biggest thing that kept me from pursuing that in bringing some particular visions to life on a stage were the vain high energy personalities. I went to show after show, and while I enjoyed them I’d watch the performers and what they were like and I realized I just didn’t have it in me for the backstage gossip.
It seemed like it was also very hard for performers in that particular field had a harder time maintaining long term relationships with a significant other. I know of one couple and they’re small town burlesque which in my opinion is a completely different ballgame with a more relaxed view but not quite what I pictured to aspire to when watching performers like Dita.
Then of course , as a woman when you have a child I started looking at what how I wanted to be viewed by her, what sort of social settings did I find it appropriate to expose her to so on and so forth, listening to people raised in the entertainment industry talk about their childhoods, a lot of them have very difficult struggles and exposure to more things like molestation, which leads me down the whole weird road of my own childhood experiences and people who I’ve spoken too who have lived through things that today still affect how I view the world. So I look at these things as how can I minimize risk for her and create a safe setting for her, a happy childhood, or to be someone that when she faced things that were difficult for her she would feel comfortable and welcome seeking help from me.
I also began to maybe understand that aesthetically I would not be able to achieve the vision I had in my head for it anymore, and that’s okay. Sometimes a pretty image in my head decides to stay there.