I think our love was toxic. But every kiss, every hug, every single time your skin touched mine I didn’t care.
You were the first person to ever push me to be an adult, feet stomping, grasping at the ground, and you still pushed me, I think you were the first person to ever see anything good in me.
We broke up, we ended things, but yet we still talk. I still think of you when something awesome happens, or when something breaks my heart.
I got drunk the night we broke up, and swallowed some damn pills, because I wanted that empty hallow feeling to fuck off and go back to the dark hole it climbed out of. But It didn’t, and it’s still sitting there, in my stomach, grasping tightly at my lungs. I feel like I can’t breathe without you sometimes and you’re scared of that.
I come on strong, and I hold on tightly. You can’t take care of me emotionally, but I want to feel your finger tips trace my skin again, while my head is against your chest.
I feel so much anger from everything and everywhere. Maybe it’s because I’m finally detoxing off the pills I took to stay numb from you leaving me, or maybe It’s because you gave up on us when you swore you wouldn’t.
I love you, as a whole. Nothing about you disgusts me, and I’m scared. Because all of this love has no where to go anymore, you don’t want it, or maybe you do, but you haven’t told me, so I’m stuck waiting for an answer, waiting for a goddamn shoe to finally fall.
I went 390 miles to see you, to fall in love with you in a month, to know that I couldn’t fucking breathe without knowing you were okay. I fell in love with you inside of that damn bank, with your sad eyes filled with tears because I was suppose to leave the next day.
But I didn’t, even when you put me in a toxic place, even with the drugs, even with the pain, all I wanted to do was hold your hand.
I’m clingy and selfish, I know. I want you as a whole, and I’m not willing to put that down. Maybe I built you a little too high and you were scared of the fall, maybe I pushed you too much. But I was right there waiting with a bottle of water and shoot for you to fall down on.
I feel broken sometimes, like I can’t think because you’re always there, always on my mind even when you’re not.
You scare me, because you’re the first person I’ve ever wanted anything from, and by want I just honestly mean your last name, but you know that. You’ve always known everything I’ve always wanted, even before I knew what I wanted. And you were strong, and you held tightly until you started to lose your grasp on me.
Did I slip away from you, was I was so easy to let go of?
I’m a toxic person by myself, and together we were a mix neither one of us could swallow.
I miss you so damn much, though. I feel it, it runs deeper than my bones, it runs deeper than my soul, or the whole damn ocean.
The ocean, it makes me laugh.
I went out there, almost 7PM, the water freezing and I talked to God, which would make you chuckle, because we both know I never talk to him.
But I did, and I asked him why the fuck would he bring someone so beautiful and so full of color into my world just to take it away. And I found a rock, a beautiful white rock.
I picked it up with tears in my eyes.
The tears stop by the way. I figured it out, the burning inside of my chest doesn’t though. It’s like you’re putting out lit cigarettes inside of my heart and all I can smell is that damn cheap smoke.
I love you, and I probably always will. I hope the world doesn’t fuck us over, and I hope we get another chance. But we probably never will, and I have to learn to be okay with that, but I don’t think I will.
Dear Johnny Bravo,
You have my heart and soul and I feel dead without it and without you.
Love always, your little Star.