• Lost, gone, never forgotten

    by  • January 13, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 9 Comments

    I still hate you.
    I’m still madly in love with you.
    I still don’t understand you.

    Your stupid split personality, it started off so easy, one of you was good, the other bad. One I loved, the other I feared. Why did that change?
    He got so scared of losing me, he lost the qualities in him that I loved, and gained the ones of you that I hated.
    You got the ones in him that I loved.
    I loved that you couldn’t lie. I loved that you couldn’t feel emotion, but could admit you loved me, and didn’t want to hurt me purposely.
    I loved you.
    I don’t know how it went from fearing you, as you strangled me, and hurt me, and manipulated me, to me being so in love with you and craving you, and you loving me.
    I don’t know how I hate him, but still love you.
    You both hurt me so much. Him emotionally, you physically.
    You wanted me to choose, and I chose him, stupidly, and I regretted it straight away, but you hurt me so much physically. I believed I could deal with emotional pain. But then you told me you didn’t want me hurt, and you proved that, when you jumped in front of a car to stop it from hitting me. Something someone couldn’t do if they felt no emotion. No love. I convinced myself he would have done the same.
    You scared me because of how you made me feel. I still feared you, but because you had made me love you.
    It wasn’t you I should have been scared of.
    He was abusing me the whole time. You were fun. You brought out my wild side. You made me feel free, and you taught me to embrace myself.

    Then you killed yourself.

    I will never forgive you for that.
    I will never forgive you for leaving me.

    9 Responses to Lost, gone, never forgotten

    1. Two abusers??
      January 13, 2017 at 3:13 pm

      Sounds like they were both losers. Both abusers. Strangling you? Jesus, woman – you could have died. He was an ATTEMPTED MURDERER, if that is what he did. And jumping in front of a car to stop it? Is he superman because I’m pretty sure most people know that jumping in front of cars rarely stops the CAR!! An emotional abuser as well? You need to examine why your only two choices in relationships was with two freakin arseholes…. Was one of your parents abusive as you were growing up? There are actual men out there who don’t emotionally or physically abuse – it shouldn’t be a choice between worse and worser!! A man who strangles women (and don’t be naive to think you are the only one he physically abused and attempted murder) is probably better off dead. There I said it. Crucify me for saying what is the truth and not recognising the ‘good parts’ of him or the ‘tortured soul’ who had also been abused or whatever his dumb, lame ass fuckin excuse was for being a piece of shit was or for the times he could act like a ‘nice guy’ and make you laugh and do probably dangerous, dumb things. Get a better quality of friends and you will stop missing him.

      • ..
        January 29, 2017 at 10:59 am

        No… The car thing was to push me out of the way… so it was him who would be hit instead of me. Tbh he saved me that day.

        • He wanted to look like a hero but he knew he was an abusive fuck
          January 30, 2017 at 12:00 am

          Well I guess he owed after trying to also murder you?? Look at the situation in black and white. He was dangerous. Any good you felt coming from him was from the inside of you..A healthier person would not have gone near someone who strangled them after that incident. A healthy person rings the police when they get strangled. A healthy person stay away from dangerous people – they see red flags and heed them. You need to read about ‘trauma bonding’ – that is how abusive fucks convince you they love and you think you love them. They hurt you and then heal you and you become bonded through the bad times. Abusers make you think that you are ‘in it together’ – don’t kid yourself. He was manipulating your feelings. Start reading about abuse and you will see his abuse, nice guy, saviour, abuse pattern much more clearly. Stay safe.

          • ...
            February 1, 2017 at 10:57 pm

            I’ve never been a healthy person.
            Everything changed after that. If it was going to be a regular occurrence it would have happened again. That was two years ago now. They both swapped places. The nice one became abusive, and the other one became decent.
            I felt safe and secure because I knew exactly what was happening, and I could deal with it because I’m not stupid, I know when I’m being manipulated and I could do it back. It was very dysfunctional, but it was our thing. And I guess it just wasn’t boring.

    2. omg
      January 14, 2017 at 2:12 am

      This makes me cry. I’m so sorry.
      They abused you both. Don’t let anyone do this to you. You deserve so much better.

    3. .
      January 15, 2017 at 9:09 am

      Never left you , you made that decision yourself &
      there’s always time to reach out

      • Sarah
        January 29, 2017 at 10:50 am

        Was that person replying to her? As in, was that one of the people? o.o

      • ....
        January 29, 2017 at 11:00 am

        Someone has said on here there is time to reach out, but can you do that? You say he killed himself?

    4. Grace
      February 2, 2017 at 2:56 pm

      Sorry my head is still swirling . I have never met anyone with split personality . This is bit too much for me if I was in ur shoes . Sorry I would feel pity n sympathy but couldn’t be in love with someone like that for long.

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