Not that I think you are my person, I just want you to be so I will respond as you were.
I miss you on the days we don’t speak, even if you aren’t aware. I can’t tell you that I think of you all day, every day. It’s so hard to focus on things when you aren’t around. You make me feel so alive in ways that I had forgotten. Thank you for that. Ive needed it for so long.
I had fun on New Year’s with you. I missed you when you didn’t make our weekly hangout the next time, but respect that you have a life without me. I know that. Besides our hangouts are never official, they’re more of an implied timeframe. I get it. You don’t like obligations. Heck, our entire relationship, if that’s what this is, is more implied than actually stated. There are no commitments. But I missed you and it did hurt to not hear anything.
The next time you called, was the strangest thing ever. You said you were trying to open up and talk to me. You told me you needed me in so many words. You asked me to help you take care of someone else. A friend who happens to be a girl who happens to be taken by another of your friends. You said that before you met me you were not a nice person. You said that you wanted to hang out that night, but couldn’t because of her. You told me I was a nine on your scale. You said that I’m beautiful. It was like you were drinking. It felt like you were struggling with confessing feelings for me. It messed me all up.
You are a walking contradiction and I both hate and love that about you. I appreciate the beauty in it, but I run from the uncertainty. I like truth and tend to trust my thoughts more than my feelings. My head says I’m crazy. My heart says it’s love.
You never text or call so I can only assume that you are annoyed by me contacting you, because even when I do reach out to you, I get only silence. That one call I spoke of earlier is the only real conversation we’ve had on the phone in months.
Regarding your writing about the text message, you mentioned that briefly to me as well. Sometime around New Year’s, you said that you woke up and saw my message and thought it said something else, but it didn’t. You thought the first word was something else and it messed with you for a minute. Then you shut down about it and I didn’t pry. If you wanted to elaborate I guess you would have, but I can guess.
Either way, I will do whatever I must to keep you in my life in 2017. I love you dearly. I wish I could find the right moment, the right way to tell you that it’s so much more than you know. But I’m also more terrified than I have ever been because this feels so much more real.