I know you probably see me as one of the most ungrateful people in the world, because when you do something kind for me I ask you to stop being nice before I can even say thank you. I have to apologize for my ungratefulness, but I can’t say that I don’t mean it when I ask you to stop doing sweet things.
I really do find your sentiments extremely kind and sweet and I appreciate how you give me what I need when I need it, even without me asking. The bottom line is, though, that you are touching one of my love languages and I am afraid that I will grow unappreciative due to our circumstances. You seem to anticipate my needs, and it messes with my head. It makes me feel that I am in the wrong relationship, so please stop. I can never reciprocate your kindness, so please stop. I feel an insane amount of guilt. I don’t deserve to feel loved and cared for. Please stop.
I never asked for this, you know. I never asked for you to be in my life. You just appeared. I never asked for feelings. They just grew. I never asked for the struggles, the pain, the bliss, the confusion, the sleepless nights, the guidance, the guilt, the connection, the fun, the intellectually stimulating conversations, or the fears. I never asked for any of this. So why then am I forced to go through so many questions and mixed emotions over and over on a daily basis? I was just fine. I didn’t even know that I didn’t feel cared for before you showed up. I didn’t know what I was missing. Are you here just to torture my heart? Are you here just to dangle yourself in my face, yet just out of reach? Or are you here because I needed you?
I don’t want to be just another one of your statistics. I don’t want to be just another notch on your belt. I don’t want to be just another victim of your reputation.
You are a good, kind person who cares about so many. I know this. And I realize that many times your kindness gets skewed for romantic love. I am almost positive that I have fallen into this hole as well. Then again, I must honestly admit that on one hand, my fears have made me wonder if you’re aware of this as well and are using these circumstances as a manipulation. On the other hand, I long so badly to be loved romantically by you.
Why would any sane person ever want this? Why would anyone ever wish for this? I guess I asked for it, choosing to love and appreciate you from afar. The only other option I have is to actually speak with you about this and relinquish all the strength and power I hold over myself, to you…