It’s been countless nights since I’ve written anything.
And a poem just wouldn’t be right
There are too many words here
Too much to say tonight
My life hasn’t been terrible
Honestly, I’ve been blessed
But my heart and my head
They’ve been put to the test
I’ve survived 100 percent
Of the worst days I’ve had
So I guess in retrospect
I can’t feel all that bad
But my god, your tears.
Felt like my heart shattered
I wanted to fix your world
That’s all that mattered.
You know.. I’m feeling an obnoxious amount of… feelings. And it’s frustrating enough to keep me up a sleepless night, writing shit that’ll probably go nowhere because I keep this stuff to myself mostly. But I saw vulnerability today. And sadness. And heartache. There was heartache there. And that’s ok. But it’s not. The tears infuriated me. How can you make someone feel that kind of pain. And still manage to turn the tables in such a way, that makes that person feel guilty for feeling reasonable fucking feelings after being done wrong? How! How can you divorce someone… and then take them out to drinks after? How can you make them feel bad for calling the spade a spade?
And I’m going to map this out quick. Girl cheats on guy. Guy sticks around. GIRL files for divorce. Makes guy feel bad. Guy meets… girl #2. Yeah yeah #2 is me. Whatever. #2 falls for guy, who says he loves her. Story for another time maybe. #1 divorces guy. Still wins the triple crown for guilt trips. Guy gets drinks with #1. Reassures her. Throws a line. Literally right after the divorce. Continues to text her. Guy tells #2 to go to bed. And here’s #2. Bitch has the triple crown and my stick horse is still smashing me into the gates.
Is that right?! Am I a dumbass?
Ok put someone else in my shoes. Pull me away. And this new hypothetical #2 runs this scenario by me.
What would I tell her? He loves #1. She hurt him beyond belief. #2 is his attempt of loving someone else. But his heart is still in comfort zone of #1. And this bitch is riding a pedigree perfect thoroughbred while #2 is… passed out a few feet out of the gate. I’d tell #2 that guy is not ready. To step away and protect her heart because it’s going to get burned.
And here I sit! Gasoline and a lighter, outstretched to this guy. Light the fire. And I’ll just cross my fingers that he doesn’t let the fire in this stupid heart of mine dwindle into ash.
If you look at the surface. Walking away seems so simple. But there might not be a better way of completely destroying myself.
I’m a dumbass.
And for once. Let me be wrong.
Otherwise – you heard it here first, and I’ll be able to say I knew what I was doing to myself.
Can we mention some details here. She threw him the whole “I don’t want to live” pitch. Which tears him up. But tears me up because… well… my ex decided he didn’t want to live, and followed through. Leaving me with some serious ptsd from being one of the two that found him. I wish that on nobody! And I’m all messed up inside. I want to make his world perfect. What divorce ends in a friendship though?! I’m a goddamn mess about it and this never ever happens.
Love is my most elaborate form of self harm