My confusion about the communication on this website reflects my confusion over your behavior toward me. Nothing ever really gets resolved here yet I always run across the thing I need to read to feel better. And that is you as you exist in my actual life. A beacon of happiness, too far off in the ocean to be caught before we both return to our respective harbors of safety. We see each other, feel, respond and then return back to our lives without the other. For a few days it’s okay, that short-lived oxytocin high wherein I am placated. And then I just miss you but I can’t really tell you that. I told you once when it was more appropriate to say something like that. I can’t tell you that every week.
I want to believe that words are cheap and I should force myself to abandon this website for good. I want a rational resolve wherein I do not believe that you are here. Sure, we are both writers and perhaps more inclined to visit web spaces such as this, but the odds are still so astronomical. Just like the idea that I am not imagining your subtext when you touch me. You touch everyone. So often must I remind myself that you are cuddly and that it is most likely that I am the 25th person in the room who feels for you the way that I do. Perhaps you are the wiser to understand the incredible trail you cut through the lives of everyone you meet, but perhaps not… it has got to be overwhelmingly lonely to acknowledge even the possibility of being so well-admired.
In the unlikely event that this is you, as you’ve always confidently implied–I like the breadcrumbs of acknowledgments that you throw me on here. They make me feel wonderful. Fill a hole of sorts. But I have to respect your resolve. Friends. “Stuck.” You don’t know the whole story yet but you really don’t have to. You only need your own to determine what is best. I feel awful for a lot of the content I have posted here. Even if it’s anonymous it approaches that line you mentioned.
I don’t know what the average decay time is for a connection of this magnitude. I guess we’ll find out. I am absolutely sure that I will continue to look for your voice on here, but will understand if you stop. On here. And (cringe) out there.
I love you.