• Re: Clusters

    by  • January 9, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 3 Comments

    My confusion about the communication on this website reflects my confusion over your behavior toward me. Nothing ever really gets resolved here yet I always run across the thing I need to read to feel better. And that is you as you exist in my actual life. A beacon of happiness, too far off in the ocean to be caught before we both return to our respective harbors of safety. We see each other, feel, respond and then return back to our lives without the other. For a few days it’s okay, that short-lived oxytocin high wherein I am placated. And then I just miss you but I can’t really tell you that. I told you once when it was more appropriate to say something like that. I can’t tell you that every week.

    I want to believe that words are cheap and I should force myself to abandon this website for good. I want a rational resolve wherein I do not believe that you are here. Sure, we are both writers and perhaps more inclined to visit web spaces such as this, but the odds are still so astronomical. Just like the idea that I am not imagining your subtext when you touch me. You touch everyone. So often must I remind myself that you are cuddly and that it is most likely that I am the 25th person in the room who feels for you the way that I do. Perhaps you are the wiser to understand the incredible trail you cut through the lives of everyone you meet, but perhaps not… it has got to be overwhelmingly lonely to acknowledge even the possibility of being so well-admired.

    In the unlikely event that this is you, as you’ve always confidently implied–I like the breadcrumbs of acknowledgments that you throw me on here. They make me feel wonderful. Fill a hole of sorts. But I have to respect your resolve. Friends. “Stuck.” You don’t know the whole story yet but you really don’t have to. You only need your own to determine what is best. I feel awful for a lot of the content I have posted here. Even if it’s anonymous it approaches that line you mentioned.

    I don’t know what the average decay time is for a connection of this magnitude. I guess we’ll find out. I am absolutely sure that I will continue to look for your voice on here, but will understand if you stop. On here. And (cringe) out there.

    I love you.

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    3 Responses to Re: Clusters

    1. Heartshards
      January 9, 2017 at 4:38 pm

      Hello Author. I wish you were my person; although I know it wouldn’t be that easy. I have commented on this site using the name Heartshards. My first initial is D. I am female. I write to a male. I think we keep getting wrapped up in each other’s writing styles, letting our minds fall into the words that strike a chord. We seem similar. We seem to have a lot of the same feelings that we want to have said to us as well. As you state, I am quickly coming to the conclusion that he will never find these letters here. Perhaps it would be best to “out” myself. Be honest, no matter what it costs. Even if that cost is a dear friend. At least I would understand the torment a bit better. And at least I would know the truth. Anything must be better than standing on this precipice afraid to leap. I should either leap or step down I guess.


    2. Author
      January 10, 2017 at 7:19 am

      That would appear to be the case. Be relieved. There is a good reason that we don’t say things like this to the real life faces of other people.


    3. Author
      January 10, 2017 at 11:42 am

      Also, I disagree that honesty is the best policy. It could mess up what could otherwise be a good thing, just in a different way. I have become convinced that some of what has been driving me to write on here so much the past ten weeks is fluctuating serotonin levels that have led me to create meaning where there is none. If we really love these people we’ll resolve for that–love. That unselfish variety of love where we keep what we know really matters to them closer than our childish feelings.

      I am a female who has been writing to another woman who herself is involved in a heterosexual relationship. In that way, you fit my archetype better than I fit yours. A lot of what you say on here does strike me deeply and rather stupidly and I suppose that for awhile there I was determined to let the psychological exercise play out even if that meant that we were what we are to each other, strangers. In some ways it has helped, just not in the way I wished it would.

      My biggest problem “out there” is that my person initiates a lot of physical contact that confuses me. I don’t just mean light situational touching. She grabs my hand and holds onto it like she wants more from me. She does this well aware of the fact that I am gay. Hence, this letter. But she doesn’t really follow it up in any other meaningful ways, a reality that I am allowing to settle in more and more as time goes on.She is always happy to see me but her messaging is infrequent. Her enthusiasm outside of face-to-face doesn’t’ seem to be there at all whereas my history on this website tells a different story on my end. For that reason, I am relieved that she isn’t here because while it is unlikely that my feelings are lost on her she probably thinks they’re more playful than the quiet desperation described in my letters. I don’t have a lot of experience with super-cuddly women, so it bugs me more than it should. She probably just thinks it’s okay because we are both women who are involved with other people. Or she just doesn’t think about it that much at all…

      Anyway, your comments have all been very thoughtful, so I figured that this time you should have more. I’m kind of a dick about openly communicating in real life so I need some practice with transparency. I like this website. I really actually enjoy the fact that there are other people out there who need to express their frustrations through forums such as this because in some ways it makes me feel less isolated. But now that I am moving up the emotional scale to feeling jaded about the situation I think I need to give the time I’ve been pouring into this place to something more useful in my actual life. I will probably quietly lurk for a bit longer but I have to stop writing a story that is ultimately fictitious.

      Your interest and concern have both been good to me.



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