• Gutter Heart

    by  • January 9, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 3 Comments

    You’ve taken my heart and turned it into a dirty gutter, one that can’t be reached to clean. I’ve taken these months and thought long and hard. I don’t love you anymore. Now you’ve surfaced from evil back to the nice innocent victim. It doesn’t matter. You can get down on your hands and knees and beg for my forgiveness, and I need you to know I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. I don’t hate you. I just don’t love you anymore and can’t have you in my world. You’re too toxic and hateful, and these months without you, I have never felt more free. Hardships exist, yes, but without your hateful words in my face all the time, I feel free. Chains have been lifted from me.

    So don’t come into my house and get angry when I don’t say hi to you. Don’t cry and leave and act like I’m the bad guy. And don’t you dare preach hate to everyone I care about. I’ve escaped you, but I can never completely and fully erase you.

    I hope you find some kind of peace in your life, some sort of help. You’re going to be alone, because you relentlessly hurt people. When you die, me and those who knew you will sit around and just retell all of the awful, unspeakable things you did to everyone.

    I’m sorry but I’m not sorry. This is the best decision I’ve made for myself, for my world, for my life. The door is closed and I can’t let you back in. Ever.

    3 Responses to Gutter Heart

    1. @author
      January 13, 2017 at 4:07 am

      So righteous is very sad fr you. You r the one who has to live with you, so instead of blaming the other person for everything that went wrong why don’t you take responsibility for your part. What could you have possibly done to get some sort of horrible reaction? I’m not saying that your person is innocent, but you seem to write as a given as if you are. You have clearly shut someone out, throw it to the air without a care in the world if it does or doesn’t end in a nasty way, I know what it’s like to be on te receiving end of that, meanwhile I’ve been blamed for everything when in reality I can only hold 50 percent of the share, as can your person. Life is easier when we look at ourselves and our own wrongdoings, because that’s how you can learn and grow from it. Often our loves, those people we love most intimately, who we chose, how they make us feel, how their behaviour can impact is, the deeper the love the clearer the mirror that they hold up, if u can’t see that you must have played a 50% share in something clearly toxic then you are bound to repeat it again with someone else and blame them too. I’m sure I’ll get a nasty reply here, because the nature is rampant in your letter, all in saying is own your shit whoever you are.

      You also clearly do still hold a torch for the person because you’re writing on here, and the letter reeks of passive aggressive anger. If you had to really confront and face the fact that you must own fifty percent of the blame in your situation would that be too hurtful? To know who destroyed something you loved also? Maybe you are just blaming because it’s easier? Whatever the case, it’s a cowards way out.

      Best of luck.

    2. @@author
      January 13, 2017 at 2:45 pm

      It’s not always 50/50. My ex turned out to be a raging coke addict – his paranoia and aggressiveness became understandable once I realised where and what he was disappearing every weekend to do. So no – not all relationship breakdowns are 50/50 – some people are fuck ups and can hide it well for a long time. I can see where I could have behaved better in my marriage – who can’t? But when you are with an abusive nasty cretin – how is that anybodies fault, but theirs?? Sometimes you have to shut people out because they are just plain destructive. When the common denominator in all their dramatic, violent abusive relationships is THEM – then it’s pretty clear it’s not 50/50. Nobody is perfect and everyone can be reactive – and most people try to change that as they go through life. I do. Some people don’t. I can only control myself and my actions and if somebody is constantly abusing me – I am never going to be perfect and stand there and take it. There will be some blow back – and you better believe, I won’t hold back if you get in my face year after year, day after day and scream and spit on me and push me around – after years of taking it, I will shut you out and you will have no recourse, ever, ever again. I will be done. And I’ll never say another nice word about you or protect your precious fake reputation, even when you die. If that’s passive aggressive, so be it. Shrug.

    3. Author
      January 13, 2017 at 8:00 pm

      Well, this is about my abusive mother, so..

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