• Smiling

    by  • January 6, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 4 Comments

    I’ve heard that the best place to hide your pain is in your smile, so that’s just what I’m trying to do. No one needs to be burdened with my heartache. And gosh does it ache. More than I ever thought it would. It’s like experiencing grief every day, except you are still alive, if not here. Yet, every single morning, I wake up, and I see the pillows in your place, and immediately wonder if you are ok, or worse. It’s indescribably painful. And when I hear from you, it’s unimaginably euphoric. Day in and day out of constant highs and lows. But I don’t want to complain because it’s temporary, right? It will all be ok, and life will go on? If I only had a fast forward button for this. I’m tired of the reminders, and for someone asking something of me everywhere I go, as if I have it in me to give. I just don’t. I really don’t. A guy at the grocery store wanted me to donate to help battered women (great cause), the coach wants me to be team mom (why me?), can I commit to this, would I be willing to do that? It’s overwhelming, but I guess it means my smile is working. For everyone but me. But it still counts, so I will keep smiling. But if I could, I would hide away and keep to myself, in books, and movies, and art, and home, and live quietly until my smile feels real again. But responsibilities, life, and people, just won’t let me. I hope I don’t crack. I’m starting to doubt myself a little.. Because my heart is just so heavy. But I’ll keep trying. I have to.. Same as you. We don’t have a choice. I miss you..

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    4 Responses to Smiling

    1. fake
      January 7, 2017 at 3:26 am

      What are you trying to be? Little Miss Perfect? Honesty is much more beautiful.


    2. @fake
      January 9, 2017 at 7:37 pm

      And who are you?
      Little miss goody two shoes?


    3. fake
      January 10, 2017 at 5:32 am

      You are making progress.


    4. Author
      January 10, 2017 at 5:34 am

      @fake – the first comment: I understand your point, but each and every one of us are entitled to keeping certain aspects of our lives to ourselves; particularly when that involves uncomfortable feelings. I have to point out that although the act of honesty can be a beautiful thing, the truth itself always isn’t. It can be very ugly, and something we don’t wish to deal with publicly, because doing so would serve no purpose and may even create more issues. And that’s perfectly okay. It doesn’t mean we are trying to be perfect, just that we may be sorting through whatever we are keeping to ourselves, until we are ready to face it or have more understanding of it. I, for one, share my heart with those I find safe, who won’t judge and will offer understanding, but only if I’m not capable of carrying something on my own. I’ve learned this is best over the years because I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Privacy is best for me now. Silent struggles are sometimes the easiest. I’m sure with a little bit of life experience, you will grow to understand this, as well.

      And thank you @-@fake, that was my first thought too, to be honest.



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