I’ve heard that the best place to hide your pain is in your smile, so that’s just what I’m trying to do. No one needs to be burdened with my heartache. And gosh does it ache. More than I ever thought it would. It’s like experiencing grief every day, except you are still alive, if not here. Yet, every single morning, I wake up, and I see the pillows in your place, and immediately wonder if you are ok, or worse. It’s indescribably painful. And when I hear from you, it’s unimaginably euphoric. Day in and day out of constant highs and lows. But I don’t want to complain because it’s temporary, right? It will all be ok, and life will go on? If I only had a fast forward button for this. I’m tired of the reminders, and for someone asking something of me everywhere I go, as if I have it in me to give. I just don’t. I really don’t. A guy at the grocery store wanted me to donate to help battered women (great cause), the coach wants me to be team mom (why me?), can I commit to this, would I be willing to do that? It’s overwhelming, but I guess it means my smile is working. For everyone but me. But it still counts, so I will keep smiling. But if I could, I would hide away and keep to myself, in books, and movies, and art, and home, and live quietly until my smile feels real again. But responsibilities, life, and people, just won’t let me. I hope I don’t crack. I’m starting to doubt myself a little.. Because my heart is just so heavy. But I’ll keep trying. I have to.. Same as you. We don’t have a choice. I miss you..