I honestly don’t know where to start. I know that you have a girlfriend and I respect your relationship with her, but I feel like I need to selfishly send you this to get the closure I desperately need.
I know that everything happens for a reason and I thought I was at peace with it, but 2 years on, I am still struggling to let go completely. At the moment, I am happy dating around casually, but the time will very soon come when I have to seriously think about finding my life partner and settling down. To be completely honest, I’m still finding it hard to picture spending the rest of my life with another man. My biggest fear is choosing a life partner that I am not completely in love with, someone who doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside when he smiles at me from across a crowded room (or makes a funny face), someone who isn’t able to eat two foot-long subs before I finish my 6-inch sub and still wait patiently for me to finish, someone who wouldn’t miss his train so that he can walk me home… but instead settle for someone who ticks the standard boxes and is the “smart” choice. I am scared of being the bride who is in love with another man on her wedding day. The one who got away.
A couple of weeks ago, as I watched Coldplay perform ‘Fix You’ live in Sydney, tears literally streamed down my face as I took in the amazing atmosphere, sang the words to the song and was overcome with emotion. When I went to Singapore for F1 (strange, I know. I’ve been to three races since we split up), I wished you were by my side as I thought about how much you would’ve enjoyed it. When I went around New York alone whilst waiting for my friends to wake up, I wished you were exploring New York with me. My point is, I have been travelling a fair bit over the past couple of years, and as I experienced some of the best moments of my life, I wish I shared them with you. When my older brother got married, I thought about you. When I go to London in June to visit my younger brother who is now studying there (how time flies, doesn’t it?), and my sister who would be due to give birth to my very first niece, you would definitely be thinking of you.
Breaking up with you and saying goodbye to you at that train station the day before I flew home was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Seeing you stand on the platform as the train took off will forever be etched in my mind.
I don’t blame you for choosing not to relocate. I know how much your family means to you and I completely understand and respect that, because that’s how much my family means to me too.
I have come to terms with the fact that what we had will probably never die. I guess true love never does. I miss you every single day and I will always love you, but sometimes we don’t always get what we want. We don’t always end up with the love of our life, and apparently, that’s okay.
And maybe now that I’ve said all that I need to say, I can finally let go.