I… Oh man. Where do I start? Sometimes I find myself angry with you for casting such a spell over me. I think you’ve done it just to see me squirm. I know I would deserve it. Then you do things. REAL things. Connection… Playing with my kids and me, helping me clean, getting my jacket for me when I mention the temperature drop… Why? Why would you do that? To get into my pants? Or to make me think you care? Or do you really actually care? Ugh. This. This is why I get angry. Something deep inside me tells me to stay far away, because it’s just a trick. Just a master hand played by a master player. But the part of me that wants to feel it is all a genuine display of affection, is pained by the knowledge that the circumstances surrounding our situation are too complicated to see clearly through.
So my heart and mind keep circling back to the fact that we are just great friends, nothing more. I can love my friend. I can love you as that. I just have to stop falling deeper. Sometimes I think I should avoid you, but you really are like a drug. You make me happy, calm, warm. Just having you in my life makes me a better person. I can’t lose that. I refuse to lose such a friend. I want you. I need you to be a part of my life. There is no way that I can rip you off like a band-aid without losing a part of myself in the process.
So what do I do now? You deserve to know. But I can’t tell you. I hope I am not hurting you. But there is no way I could be, right? You would tell me, wouldn’t you? I love you, so tell me what I do about that?