• To My Mother That Couldn’t Love Me

    by  • January 2, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    As the New Year begins to come, I find it less and less painful that for the past five years and the following year and a half you have not been a mother to me. You were barely a mother when I was growing up. It took six years to gain any kind of confidence in myself, it took six years to finally find someone who I love and loves me back. it took six years to finally get over the fact that you cut me out of your life one night because of a disagreement about the broken marriage between you and my father. This Christmas I ran out to your car as you picked up my brother, telling you to never be in my life again. I accepted that the shallow relationship that we had began to develop was not enough for me, that you were never going to admit or apologize what you had done. You couldn’t do that, that would mean admitting you are wrong. Having to admit that you failed as a mother. There are may aspects in my personality that I am grateful that you gave me, Because of you i sit up straight, I speak respectfully to others, and above all I can put on a mask and hide so many feelings that I am a wall. All these things you beat into me with your hands and your words. I would dream of the day that you would call me beautiful or tell me you were proud of me. Here I am at 23, finally accepting that you will never give me any of those things. You will never tell me you love me. You will never see that how you raised me, emotionally damaged me and has damaged the way I look at relationships and people. I can barely believe it when my boyfriend calls me beautiful, I can’t look in the mirror without pointing out every flaw or feeling ugly.
    I keep wanting this urge to let go, to just forgive and forget. It’s hard to forget and to forgive when the same cycle is happening now with my younger brother. I don’t hate you, but I also don’t care about you. I almost have to act as though you died in a car crash. It makes it easier to accept that you don’t care about me. I am lying when I say that I do not care about you, it is what I have to do. the differences between us, I do not need to put others down to feel superior. I love and give unconditionally to those who deserve or need it at the time. You taught me how to see through the fake, because you were the greatest example to learn from. I just wish you cared. I am writing this letter right now, while you are probably doing something without giving me a passing thought. Why can’t you just love me?Are you even capable of that emotion?

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