• It works because it’s easy.

    by  • January 2, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 9 Comments

    I like my wife. My relationship with her is the longest I’ve had with a primary partner for a handful of good reasons. We have invested enough time into this thing to achieve a comfortable stride wherein our journey together is relatively smooth. We get along. We make each other laugh. The administrative stuff is filed away and compartmentalized, handled immediately and precisely without any serious questions. Even now, as I sit here and carefully evaluate the value of my marriage, I have no hangups with the idea of buying a larger house and starting a family together.

    Something is missing. My wife and I do not cry together. We are friends, but in so many ways do I feel that she doesn’t “get” me. I’ve tried to broach the difficult subjects with her but her heart isn’t in it. She wonders why I care about these things at all. Overall I tend to be the person in the relationship with better clarity on every subject except for our relationship itself. She has always been sure about me, but I have never looked at her and felt a comforting certainty. I love her but I’ve never been in love with her.

    We don’t have sex. She thinks it’s because I struggle with physical intimacy. It’s easier to allow her to believe this about me rather than acknowledge the hard truth that I just don’t want, and have never really wanted, her sexually. Perhaps I could talk to her about it if she would step back and allow a difficult discussion to happen on any of the subjects that involve acknowledging the nuances of grown-up feelings. At this point, though, I don’t think that she believes that those exist. How can I expect her to understand that the sex we aren’t having is a reflection of the non-existence of the hard discussions in our marriage.

    About three months ago, I stared into the eyes of a close friend for a long time. We locked onto one another and held steady for perhaps ten seconds. Since that day, I have been sweeping around the remnants of an emotional wreckage. I feel a complicated familiarity with the friend that I have never felt with my wife. With anyone, really. I thought I had it with my first love but now I am not so sure. The friend and I are close but we’re still piecing together each other’s stories. A side-by-side comparison of the two relationships isn’t fair, yet …

    The friend looks at my face and readily acknowledges what I’m feeling. We have the same observations about things. At times these ideas are expressed verbatim, as the other person thinks it. Our histories aren’t similar but our minds seem to be. We hug hello and dive directly into the most important thought in the other person’s head at that moment. It feels significant but I can’t decide if it’s something truly unique and important in life or if she is just the most emotionally intelligent person I’ve ever met. I’ve had eight years to have an experience with my wife that another person and I have achieved in five short months of knowing each other. This devastates me.

    I’m not uncomfortable or sad. I am unsettled but I can roll along just fine with all of this, holding my solace in a deep appreciation for this wonderful friendship. Nothing about my experience is special or uncommon in life. It just kind of sucks right now and I wish I could talk to somebody about it. Specifically, the friend, but I will not go there unless she leads the way. It won’t happen until I am sure that she feels that same familiarity. And perhaps only after I have a better idea of what good it could do to talk (seriously, just talk) about it.

    Tl;dr–I love my wife but I am in love with my friend. Sound familiar? Happy new year.

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    9 Responses to It works because it’s easy.

    1. Paddle chick
      January 2, 2017 at 4:41 pm

      Well for one you’re a selfish fuck. Two, you’re married so if you wanna go there if the other woman leads the way, then get a divorce first. Dipshit. They should both leave your ass. I think you should look your wife in the eye and tell her what you wrote in this letter. Dick.




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    2. Author
      January 2, 2017 at 8:37 pm

      I’m not going to come down on you for expressing how you feel about what I’ve written here because this is an anonymous website that serves a purpose for those of us who have nobody else to talk to. However, I really don’t think you read, or thought about, this carefully. Sure, this level of honesty is of the dickish variety so some of your assessment is fair. You are mistaken if you believe that experiences such as this are uncommon enough that anyone who harbors feelings for a person who isn’t their spouse should immediately file for divorce before attempting to make sense of it.




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    3. Just a Human
      January 3, 2017 at 4:44 am

      Dear P.C,
      I know it all seems so easy from 20,000 feet to know the whole story and maybe this guy is what you say but maybe not…. Never ever think the human heart and soul are so black and white or penned in third grade English, they are most certainly not. When you can speak from an intimate place of knowledge and having made choices that rack your soul then and only then can you assume some point of reference to others struggles. Don’t assume you know because it’s what you believe to be true, belief and knowledge are two very different points of reference. If you were on the crap end of a similar arrangement I can recognize your pain but question your clarity of thought. Being human is never column A or B.




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    4. nick
      January 3, 2017 at 1:38 pm

      I hear you, I have no advice, either way is regret, just don’t have kids. Maybe your comparing a dream to a reality.




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    5. SJ
      January 3, 2017 at 8:20 pm

      @Paddle chick – How is he a selfish fuck? Take the letter at face value. He loves his wife, he wouldn’t have committed to her in the first place if he didn’t. He has been trying to talk to her about the elephant in the room and she refuses to sit down and engage in an important discussion. She knows what’s up and is avoiding it all costs. The marriage is over, really. As soon as one or both parties stop talking, it’s done. Just too convenient for both to make the decision to leave.

      I understand him when he says his wife doesn’t “get” him. She knows him well, but there is something in that relationship that he needs from her that he isn’t getting – and that need not being met cancels out everything else. The difference between him (and others) and I, is that I work to find out very early on if something really important to me is accepted and understood within the first month or so of dating. I won’t sleep with a man until he gets it. I’m only sometimes lonely being single now, but it’s a worse loneliness being in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t care to really understand you at all.

      My point is, suspend judgement. Unless the author is someone you know and has specifically sent you the link, and you know him personally to be a douchebag, stop being so harsh. I’ve been on this site for 6 fucking years and have read letter after letter of this same thing to know that too many people have made the same mistake over again.




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    6. Author
      January 4, 2017 at 7:24 pm

      Wow. Thank you, last three commenters, for your careful reading of my letter. Your compassion is comforting.




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    7. This marriage is over, I agree.
      January 5, 2017 at 3:31 am

      You need to leave your wife before you have kids together. She deserves to be with someone who thinks she is the sun and moon and who thinks she is HOT and who wants to touch her and have sex with her. I can only imagine the silent desperation she feels. I bet she feels unwanted, undesirable and unloved and that is probably why you don’t feel connected with her. My choice would be to do everything to see if any feelings can be reignited via counselling etc and if not, then walk away. Life is far too short to have two people living with each other, who both feel like something is missing. You aren’t doing her any favours by staying with her, you know. There could be a man out there who she wants to talk with and who is hot for her the way she deserves. Man up.




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    8. Paddle chick
      January 5, 2017 at 5:22 pm

      Nah, he is a selfish fuck. He’s lying to his damn self about what is about to go down. Sorry but when you respect your spouse, you don’t “figure” out feelings for another person. I doubt very much, your wife would feel the same way and you aren’t telling her for a reason. She you truly love the person youre with, you don’t think about exploring feelings for another woman. You are already having an emotional affair. Be fair to your wife. Either tell her and be a man or buck up and make life with your wife work. Two choices. You are choosing the disgusting way. You’re married to someone you aren’t in love with yet your staying and pretending to. Classic womanizing behavior. Welp. I love my wife but I don’t, wah wah wah. Sex wah wah wah. Me me me wah wah wah. My wife is so mean. We dont cry together. Sure we’re besties but lemme just go explore my connection. Wtf man. Get it together.




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    9. la reina
      January 9, 2017 at 9:43 am

      I think counselling is a good idea for you two and I hope you consider it. I don’t think you should have kids until you’re certain that this marriage is something that makes you happy and fulfilled. I also think that it makes sense to wait before filing for divorce – this is where counselling can come in, either on your own or with your wife. I know that people in committed relationships can sometimes develop crushes on other people, which doesn’t make them selfish or womanizers necessarily. Keep trying to communicate with your wife. I’m sure she feels just as lonely as you do. I hope you can both find a way to be happy.




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