I have a lot of anger, mainly hurt pent up inside.
The type of hurt that can’t be communicated. I think I may have touched on it once. Don’t think I’d speak of it again though.
Even thinking of it without speaking a word is so painful, a reminder of how difficult things were. How the world can be a horrible place. How I used to find it so hard to trust anyone even/mainly my family. How everything was messed up, how it affected me then, how it still influences me now. It often makes me moody, harsh, aggressive abd distant. This distanty although hurtful makes me feel a bit safer. Like I have made that decision and it has pushed people away, but physically I’m safe.
The main fear with this is that I’ll never feel the same as anyone else. An anxiety that will never go away. A hurt that will always remain. Making me scared of things I shouldn’t need fear.
Things that should be exciting/relaxing/fun/enjoyable/safe. I’m frightened for life events that will likely approach me sooner rather than later. Anyone else would be excited and looking forwards to those points in their life.
All I ever wanted was to feel like others. More recently I experience that a bit more. But I can’t be sure I’ll ever feel completely relaxed. The contentment that others seem to have when with loved ones. I so wish I could have that. I have been trying a bit harder lately to pretend and to fake. Maybe one day I’ll eventually be okay. Sounds so silly, but it’s true. It would be great if I was able to do some of the things other people get to do, but I don’t currently because I’m scared. At the moment in my life I protect myself. Always have done and right now I feel fairly safe. I know at some point in order to be really happy like other people I’m going to have to allow myself to really be with someone and let them in. Just not sure when or how that will come about.