They’re a little big for you, but can you please try for a minute?
I really don’t know what to believe. Do you still care about me? Id like to think so. But that’s mostly based on events and interactions that happened years ago. I think I’ve assumed for a long time that for me to feel as strongly as I do about you that you must feel somewhat the same towards me, no mater how long its been. But that is a really dangerous notion. Just because I think about you everyday doesn’t mean I’ve crossed your mind once.
For me, it really is all about communication. Without that its all just guessing games. And while I know that when we met I wasn’t very good at expressing my feelings for you, I have been trying and trying and trying. But what am I supposed to do? YOU cut me off. I know you blocked my number because every time I text you (many times this year) the message starts as a blue iMessage and then turns to a green SMS. I know you blocked me on fb too. Could I find other platforms to reach out to you, to send some hail mary message of undying love? Of course. But why would I? You really seem intent to not talk to me ever again, for what reason Ill never know. And I really don’t think being a major creep is going to win you back.
Of course there’s this site. This fucking black hole that devours so much of my attention and emotion. It seemed too coincidental that I felt you led me here at around the same time you stopped talking to me irl. Maybe this was better for you for whatever reason. So I’ve stayed here for years, read thousands of posts. I don’t know if any of them were from you. Likewise, I could write letters here until the day I die, but I’ll never know if you will ever see even one. I don’t want to keep coming back here. It’s such a roller coaster process seeing a letter that I can rationalize as being from you, feeling excited and happy, and then the inevitable crushing disappointment when it turns out the letter was not written for me. But right now I feel like this is probably the only way I can even possibly communicate with you.
To be honest, I’m really conflicted about my feelings for you. Yeah, I love you. That’s been true for years. But should I? Think about what all this feels like to me. You abandoned me. You (probably) left me for someone else. Actually, I can’t even say you left me because we were never really together. And while I would savor and hold on to dear life for any kind of relationship with you, you seemingly want nothing to do with me. You won’t be my friend. You won’t talk to me, at least directly, if at all. Despite everything, I have continued to love you and support you as best I could across this distance you created between us. But I really think you couldn’t care less. And lest you think all this conflict is the result of me wanting to ‘move on’ to someone else, rest assured it’s really not. I think that ship sailed a long time ago. I have dedicated so much of my life to winning your heart I’m really not interested in trying anymore for anyone else. What’s the point? I’ve given you my best, and you won’t even acknowledge my existence now. Should I settle, like you (probably) did? I guess I’ll just continue to be alone. Because I really don’t expect you to change towards me in any way. In fact I expect literally and absolutely nothing from you. Congratulations, that’s what you wanted right?
Til next time,