You said 6 months at least, probably more like a year.It’s been 4 months. I was taken off guard when you said you wanted to see me last month, you’ve always been better about holding to our agreements. Of course i wanted to see you, I shook with wanting. That is why I said I couldn’t see you, yet. Sad.
You were in my house, talking with my housemate. He told me the hug was from you, of course he did. I wanted to crawl into a hole. I feel like a dope. Pining away.
My therapist says matter of factly, “you are in love.” Is that what this is? Why the grief is so ridiculous? I’m 41 years old, not a girl. You are 30, not quite a man.
I feel old, now. Something about fusing with someone, opening the tender parts of your heart, wearing your love on the outside…when it still doesn’t work out, when it slips away it can take the spark of life with it. My heart, my skin, my bones sag, now. My body hints at lust, but my heart doesn’t follow, not this time.
I still feel thankful. So grateful that we spent the time we did together. We grew so big. I watch our videos, each time a little less us and a little more me. I don’t know you so much anymore. I never wanted to feel that.