• You never said goodbye.

    by  • December 27, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Those Gone Before Us • 0 Comments

    We had been on again, off again for years. I knew that the last time we broke up, it would be the last time. But a couple of years later, I got married. And you were angry.
    I couldn’t have been prepared for what was coming. A few months after our last conversation, you took your own life. Why? How could you do that? Why did you leave me behind? We were supposed to be by the other one’s side when the last breath was taken. We were supposed to grow old together – together, but apart. I spent weeks in tears, unable to breathe, to function. I left a space for you beside me so I could sleep at night. I have heard so many times that suicide is the ultimate selfish act. But once you lose someone so permanently, my thoughts were in different places. I tortured myself wondering what your last thoughts were and if you had that last second of regret. I wish your last thought was of me. How did you not know how much I loved you? How could you just leave me behind? I’m sorry I was the last straw that lead you to your decision. At least that is what you left me to think. I know your kids miss you terribly. And I ache every minute of every day because I will never hear your voice again, I will never hear that laugh, or how much you bragged about my cooking, and how much I spoiled you. But every time we broke up, you hurt me so much until I finally decided I can’t let you do it anymore. But you owed me a goodbye. You know I wouldn’t have let it happen. I’d have fought you every bit. I will always love you. I will always think about you. I will always cry for you. I hope you have peace now. I hope you know the big void you left behind. You were the biggest part of me and you will always be. I wish you didn’t go. I wish you were here. I really wish you were here.

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