a lot of times, we hear that love is chaotic, passionate, boring, unpredictable.
But is love ever unkind? Noncommunicative? Diminishing? Self loathing?
I never know where I stand with you, or what your intentions are in our relationship. I get that distance is hard, but I told you I never wanted to do this ever again, and here we are.
Back to the misery that led me down the path of destruction. I learned to hate you because I yearned so much for your desire and approval.
The anxiety it caused has left a lasting effect on me. Though I’m back on meds again, and overall coping better, I still have those hauntingly familiar thoughts running rampant in my mind. They’re easier to shake now, but they’re still there.
A big part of me would want this, and still does want this, to work out. To pass go, collect the shiny ring, and move abroad.
The other part says why? Why put yourself directly in the line of fire? Isolate yourself to a family who, though not as neurotic as your own, is not yours?
The truth is, I’m afraid of what could happen. I could become like Jordan. Spiral out of control, (again) and not be able to fix it.
It could be different. But probably not.
I take off in 3 days. What happens next will likely surprise us both.
I hope I’m strong enough to make the choice that’s best for me.