• I’m having a hard time tonight.

    by  • December 23, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 7 Comments

    I fear we’ve already grown apart. We barely communicate and when we do it seems so impersonal. It’s out of my hands, but I’m not going to beg you and I’m not going to put in more effort than you do. There may be a good reason, but it doesn’t make it any easier and I feel like you could do better. I’m very lonely and I’m tired of waking up realizing you’re not there. It’s getting to me, but you wouldn’t know because you don’t ask. I just have to face the fact that not only am I on my own physically right now, I am emotionally, too. I get it if you are stressed, but how would I even know by some random texts. I know it’s not about me, so I will keep it to myself, but I was hoping for a better routine by now and less of the unknown. Honestly, I feel abandoned even though I know that’s absurd. But that’s the best way to describe it. Maybe a good cry will help; really it will have to do, because I can’t hold it back and it’s not like anything is going to change anytime soon. I love you.

    7 Responses to I’m having a hard time tonight.

    1. Hello, Author.
      December 24, 2016 at 1:21 pm

      I know this feeling well–the balancing act of a show of support versus an intrusion, pitted against one another over a fulcrum desire. Like everyone else here I want my other to be on this website, writing these words for me. I stare at old non-conversations, carefully considering what response I might choose from the reservoir of unsent stories. So, from one emotional hermit to another: I’m sorry. I left interpersonal recklessness behind long ago. You’re too important. I’m too frightened. I love you so much. I love you times infinity.

    2. Still here for you
      December 25, 2016 at 5:57 am

      I haven’t gone anywhere. please don’t don’t doubt me. I know I shouldn’t use it as an excuse and you shouldn’t excuse me for it either. I’m sorry.

    3. charlie c.
      December 25, 2016 at 4:35 pm

      *hug*

    4. @Hello, Author.
      December 27, 2016 at 3:23 pm

      Why are you frightened?

    5. I hope you both find each other
      December 29, 2016 at 8:34 pm

      The Silver Infinity ring she wore on her left band was the only one of its kind I’ve ever come across. Like herself, never have I crossed paths with such as her.

    6. We are complicated.
      December 30, 2016 at 11:13 pm

      I want more but the “more” is a loaded proposition. At least a hasty variety thereof. In every other way that we connect and know each other, it is most probable that we will be in the life of the other for quite some time to come. So, there is time … time to be certain. Not about feelings. Those are well established. To react appropriately to our circumstance. To do things right. Leaping over that reality, blasting through a wormhole of anticipation, could alter things in unpredictable ways. I fear scaring her away with my urgency so my inertia holds me back. It is overcompensation. If she held out her hand tomorrow and said “Hey! Let’s go there,” I would follow. Rather, I would move along in equal stride at her side. If she touched me I would grab her. If she grabbed me I would kiss her. If she kissed me I would sexually caress her. If she made love to me I would hold her body against mine for days afterward. I would whisper all of the sweet nothings that seem so useless and important at the same time, tenderly in her ear so that she could not just read but feel them as endlessly as I do. This is where I live emotionally. I want her to reside here too. For any of these things to happen, I need to be sure. A few less satisfying messages underscoring a slow start will not stop this. It’s too powerful. But, I get it. My heart says “No. NOW.” But my conscience says “Shhh. Love is patient.”

      • Heartshards
        January 22, 2017 at 12:35 pm

        Truly beautiful. I hope she has a chance to read this some day. She is so lucky. I hope she knows that and is worthy. I’d give anything to have my other feel this for me.

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