I feel like these are the memories that are fading so quickly from my mind. It’s not hard for them to do so, being as there are so very few of them.
A person can have mental problems getting increasingly worse as time goes on. I experienced seeing this. My mother fading in and out, being so many different people at different times.
From the time I was alive and able to hear, my mind was polluted. But as I got older I saw more things. There were moments. Moments worth remembering. Moments worth taking into account. None of these were ever good days, or even good conversations. It always ended in that switch, that never ending cycle of bubbly sweet going sickly hateful in the blink of an eye.
I feel no pain in this as of now. This is something I will have to work through, carry with me throughout my days. It is for the best but yet still something that will cause damage. That has caused damage.
Sitting in the passenger seat, those moments when I would get you to laugh at something I said. When you’d agree to get coffee with me. That one winter when everything was somewhat okay and we would drive around listening to Taylor Swift. It was fun. It was good. I remember that winter as good.
The secret? Why I still go to that coffee shop regularly after these years? I believe it’s because the memory connects back to any good moments I had with you. When we would laugh and for a time I believed you really loved me and cared about what I had to say.
I tried relentlessly for so long, fighting to bring back those tints of happiness, make them stay, make them become a true reality. Everything I fought to keep intact, I would then be accused of trying to tear apart.
I fought to keep you here. The you I believed could stay. The flashes of sweetness and goodhearted love. Everyday it was my life’s mission to keep us all together. To make you proud of me.
That small bit of hope died. I remember the moment it hit me. I yelled to you that I would never forgive you for this. And I knew then, out of everything else that had happened, that was the last straw. The last blow that I could take. Everything ended right there, when I knew it was over and there was nothing left to you.
It got worse even after I left. You continue to hurt me, to rip everything apart continuously. There is nothing sane about it left.
But whatever glimpse of a you that barely made it’s way into consciousness, died. I don’t know where you are now. It’s like long ago someone came and took over your being.
I don’t know you. I never did and never will.