• Aching

    by  • December 23, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    I miss you so much my heart physically aches… I ache for you. Its been almost 2 years, this will be our second Christmas apart. You no longer love me. You fell out of love with me. I did nothing wrong and you let me know it when you asked me to leave, but you fell out of love with me. What does that mean for the love I did not fall out of? Where does it go?
    It goes to everyone around me. It goes to my co-workers who don’t take me seriously or the co-workers who consider me temporary. It goes to strangers who are dying or people I pass in the street. I keep giving to everyone around me no matter how hurtful they are to my wounded soul because I cannot give to you. I have likely become the most thoughtful person many people run into because I don’t one anyone to feel the way I do.
    I tried so hard to be perfect for you. I tried so hard and I couldn’t be what you wanted. I am left with handicap of continuously seeking perfection and hurting because its impossible. I punish myself and when others point out my imperfections I quickly exit and think of you. I wasn’t good enough for you.
    I never had such severe self doubt, I was never this insecure or experienced such low self esteem as I attempt to hide daily.
    I am so nice to people to hide how epically broken I am.
    I love you and I miss you and its almost been two years.
    I will keep trying to let you go. I will keep smiling and I will keep my turmoil to myself. I will keep living everyday.
    I am so petrified of failure because I feel so much like I failed you.
    I ache for you.

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