It has been two months since we started talking again. Two months. When you contacted me, I was surprised and excited and nervous. But something inside knew that I needed you.
When we first met all those years ago, I was completely enamored by you. I loved being around you. I loved our conversations, I loved our connection. It just felt so right. I was young and nervous. You were out of my league. At least that’s what I thought. We spent a month together. We didn’t part except for when we had to work. It was so good. We had an intimate intellectual connection, that was completely terrifying to me. We could bare our souls to each other and it was so comfortable and felt so right. But you had to leave again. I knew you would have to. Even though I was very sad to see you go, I knew that’s what you needed. You asked me to move with you. I really wanted to. I was scared. I had no money. And I didn’t believe in myself. So I didn’t go. Did I regret that? Yes.
I thought about you all the time. I wanted nothing more to be with you. But after a good while, I felt like I moved on. I met someone new. We moved way to fast. We had a kid by accident. We got married. I went back to school. We had another kid. Then we moved away so I could pursue career dreams. All of it moved so fast. It never felt right, but goddamn if it didn’t feel comfortable.
I saw you a few times over the years. Each time, I thought about our good times and thought about how much you meant to me. Each time, I had a hard time shaking thoughts of you.
The last year or more of my life has been nothing but turmoil. I’m living in a city that doesn’t feel like home, my marriage was not well, I was working all the time. I was not doing anything for myself. You know how hard it has been on me.
Then we were both at the wedding. You came up to me and were so excited to see me. I was too. But I was terrified you were there. My wife was there. She saw us talking, but didn’t say anything. You and I talked for a very long time and I was so happy. It was as though all my problems in my life had dissipated for just that moment. My wife decided to go back with my parents and let me drink with all my old friends. You were there. We talked. I kept looking at you. I noticed you kept looking at me. You looked at me with the most loving eyes. And my heart melted. We spent a decent amount of time together. I was schmoozing with everyone, but you kept finding me. I was very happy about that. I had such a nice time. But you had to leave, and I wanted nothing more than to spend the night with you.
The next day, I was leaving for Mexico with my wife. I was so torn up. My wife and I were not happy. We were not enjoying our lives together. We hadn’t yet acknowledged that. I took an hour long, hungover shower. And I was almost crying because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I did not want to think about you, because I felt as though I was betraying my wife.
So, then we didn’t talk for awhile. I found myself randomly thinking of you. Wondering what you were up to at that given moment. Wondering if you had been thinking of me. All the while, my marriage was slowly deteriorating. Things were falling apart.
Then you messaged me. We both procrastinated for far too long that first conversation. Then we kept talking. Everyday. Then I came to visit you. Everything was exactly as it should have been. Being with you made me feel so alive. I was confident in myself. You were confident in yourself. Everything felt right. We kissed, we made out. We slept in the same bed. We ate together. We did things that a real, solid, loving couple would do. But only for three days. I knew I had to go back to my reality. You allowed me to bare my soul. You could see how truly unhappy I really was. You wanted to best for me. I was so sad while making that four and a half hour drive in the dark.
But we kept talking. We stayed in contact. And we still do.
Now that it is official that I am separated from my wife, we had to tell each other that it is not the right time for us. You have so much in your life. So many things that keep you so busy and stressed. You have so many huge dreams. I want nothing more than to see you succeed. You deserve your dreams. You deserve yourself. I have just ended a seven year relationship. I am in no condition to be with anyone. I need to figure myself out right now. I am becoming the person that I need to be, and I know that makes you happy. If it means anything, at the moment, you are the only person I could ever see myself with ever again. Because the connection we first felt all those years ago, was stronger than ever when we reconnected. Our intellectual connection is strong. Our physical attraction is strong. Our emotional connection is powerful. I’m fairly certain you feel that way too.
Our phone conversations are always so good. We always have so much to say. So much to talk about. So much to share. Because we want to share ourselves with each other. And that is absolutely incredible.
My brother told me that he could sense how important I am to you and he said that he would bet money on the fact that you love me. He told me that we should just go for it. If we could, that would be great. But now is not the right time. Maybe it is, and that’s just what people who are scared say to make themselves feel better.
Good lord, I wrote a lot. I wanted to bare my soul. I know you’ll never see this, but if you do. I will be a little ashamed, but I will probably be confident to tell you my feelings. I intend to do that sometime when we see each other.
Probably not the day after Christmas, but you never know what will happen.
Just remember how important you are to me. And if something feels right, we should at least give it a second thought.
From the deepest, strongest part of my heart,