I’m in a constant state of guessing. Wondering, when you look at me now, whether you’re still looking at me through the same eyes you did last year. Sometimes I pray that you’ll be mine, but then I remember I can’t have you. I had you once, and then I lost you. And that was completely my fault.
I pushed away every chance you gave me, and would let myself be vulnerable. It’s a toxic pattern I find myself in, and often I’m left at a loss. But the loss was so much greater here, as my heart still aches months later. I told myself I was okay, but I knew I was hurt from the beginning. I still imagine that we’ll someday get back together, whatever “together” was, and that I can once again feel your warmth and tenderness. I miss those little moments we shared in secret, even if secrecy was not what you wanted.
I’m sorry if I hurt you, or if it was my emotional incompetence that ruined us. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be more open and loving than I was. I promise you that was how I felt, though. Helplessly in love with you. I fear it will one day come out in a time when it shouldn’t, and I can only hope that when it does, we’ll both be in a better place. I know you were going through some things, and found solace in our love. I’m sorry you couldn’t find solace in my heart. Please know that the feelings were there, unable to reach the surface and touch you.
When I see you again, I will continue to act unaffected – feigning a healthy friendship while burying my emotions as I always do. Because I love you so, so much that I am okay with being friends, if it means that I still get to see you. I hope that with time my heart will no longer ache, whether it will be you or someone else to ease it. And while I still wonder if your heart aches, too, I know it’s best not to find the truth. Just know that I always did love you, and will still love you for a long, long, time. You will forever have a part of me.