• Still breaking

    by  • December 15, 2016 • Love - Pure and Simple • 3 Comments

    Every time I think I’m done, I’m broken. I can’t possibly break anymore. Somehow a few more splinters start to flake away.
    Damn it I love you so much. Every time I see you I fall harder. Your smile, I would do anything to see you smile. When my awkward quirks draw a laugh I suddenly feel like maybe they’re more adorable than ridiculous. Or at least that you think the are.
    Being with you is so easy. Time I spend with you flies by and conversation rolls off my tongue without a thought. You are my best friend. We know each other better than anyone else in the world. You make me feel beautiful and special. You make me smile. When I’m with you I’m happy. I’m so purely happy. And I know you love me. But you’re torn. You have commitments. You love her too.
    And I understand. I have commitments to. Commitments I made long before I met you. How could I have known serendipity would bring us together. Pull us together. Force us together to the point where we couldn’t deny the tension any longer.
    And now we just hang in the balance.
    Waiting for a tipping point.
    Dreaming awake.
    At least I am.
    Because while I know I can depend on you. To be there for me. While you know me better than I know myself.
    He lets my calls go to voice-mail.
    While you come to my rescue before I even ask
    He tells me to “figure it out”
    While you bring my favorite drink and smile because you know I needed it. You say I’ve been moving all day. You say I should relax and breath.
    He constantly complains that I’m not doing enough.
    I’ve decided to stick it out. I don’t back down on my promises. And you know…Kids complicate things.
    But hell I am so very broken.
    I’m so very tired of just being the woman that is cared for because he “can’t do without me”
    It sounds sweet right? But it’s not.
    He cares about me as best he can I suppose.
    but he cares because he knows that without me this whole life we have crumbles.
    And every year around this time for some reason I reach this wall.
    I don’t want to do it anymore.
    I don’t want to be the wife that sits up late doing laundry and plans out the meals and goes to the conferences and wears the lingerie, and supports the hobbies and makes the excuses and cries on the pillow cause she still doesn’t matter.
    I want to be yours.
    But I’m not.
    So I’m so incredibly fucking thoroughly broken.

    3 Responses to Still breaking

    1. ?
      December 15, 2016 at 12:25 pm

      Rachel?

    2. Change this situation
      December 15, 2016 at 12:43 pm

      Do you really think that if u left that shit hole of a marriage and managed to steal that man away from his that he wouldn’t end up being the same way after 5-10 years? You are dreaming about something that would never happen IRL. You need to find some fulfillment and happiness that doesn’t depend on someone else loving or liking you. Get a job, hobby or go back to school and get a degree. Anything, so in your death bed you have done personal achievements that are just yours alone. Being a wife to someone who believes their job is so important is a thankless task and as you’ve realized the more you do, the more perfect you become as his unpaid maid and prostitute the less respect and appreciation you get. Stop dreaming about another man and go get a degree and become a person in your own right. Not just a someone’s wife. Take the focus off on what your husband can’t give you and what you can give yourself. I can tell you my marriage didn’t survive my degree, and it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. Did it all on my own with kids and the key to making sure they are OK is never introducing another man into their life. It is a very free life you can live when you’re fine on your own, and don’t need a man to feel complete. They never last as the one who brings you a drink, you know? I don’t know one happy marriage. Also, celibacy makes life so damn simple and fun. No sex, no men. Just accomplishments and adventure. It’s going to be a wild ride and I’m loving it. Relationships are not worth the effort or pain. Put your heart into your kids. Make them your people. I love my gang and they love me. Life is for the living. Start now.

    3. Just m
      December 15, 2016 at 2:49 pm

      I completely relate to this! Cut the cord or hang in there. At least set your boundaries, choose you!

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